Fear and Loathing in a Library

The Kris Is....

2009-12-04T23:44:00.002-06:00

BACK!!!

Boom! After a year off, Tony Kris is returning to explore the horrors of library life and working!

A word about my absence. Yes, I am now the owner of an MA in History (pending graduation in 2 weeks) and even better, I'll be going for my Ph. D! Yup, my wacky Thesis was approved. Not only that, I'll be working for the Big City library for another 6 months at the very least. So they'll be tons of stories. Here's some recent ones:

At New Belfast, a girl of about 7 comes up to the desk to ask for a computer. Whilst waiting, she digs in her butt, and then SMELLS HER FINGER!!!

At Buffalo, a patron asks me if we have "Girls Gone Wild" videos to check out. And then my good friend Petey Pedaphile shows up for the first time in over a year.

So get ready. It's gonna be fun.

A Sad Confession

2008-12-18T19:10:00.004-06:00

So for all both of my fans, I have this saddening development...

Next semester, I, Tony Kris, will be embarking on my Thesis at UBC. As such, my free time will be severely diminished. In addition, pending an assistanceship, there is a very real possibility I might not be working for the Big City library system much longer.

In that vein, I believe F&LL will be going in a sabbatical for the Spring. If I manage to continue to work for the library, then of course I'll update as much as I can. But to be honest, I think all free time I might have will be spend researching or writing my behemoth of a paper.

(For the record, my topic is the Economic Rammifications of Rap Music. I have an interest in cultural History and the scholarship for that particular field is wide open. Call me nothing if not an oppurtunist.)

However, I can't NOT give you a wacky story, so here comes a quick one.

At the Middletown Branch, when a hairy farmer type comes in. He's wearing overalls without a shirt, and approaches the circ desk with several Wal-Mart bags overflowing with some sort of plant life. Along with Boner Leroy (the politican with the profane name) and white flight, the people of Middletown love their Wal-Mart.

Old McYeti: "Hey! YOU'RE new!"

Me: (Not wanting to go into the whole song and dance about different libraries everyday) "Something like that. Can I help you?"

OM: (Hoisting the bag so I can see) "Yeah, is Marian the Librarian (not her real name) in? I've got something for her."

Me: "I don't think so."

OM: "Well, don't that beat all? I've got 5 pounds here of Mustard Greens and I was wanting to give them to Miss Marian. (now yelling) HEY! WHO HERE WANTS SOME FREE MUSTARD GREENS!?"

Okay, I should fully describe the sequence of events that went on within a spilt second. I was convinced I was going to have to call the police to deal with a crazed bigfoot. However, just as I was about to go for the phone, another one of the librarians came out. Assuming she was going to give me moral support, I let her take point. But this was not meant to be.

Other Librarian Lady: "You got Mustard Greens?"

OM: "Yup. You want 'em"

OLL: (verbatium, I swear) "Hells yeah I want some mustard greens!!! I'm gonna shove these in the croc-pot with some bacon and have them for supper."

Neddless to say, hearing "Hells yeah" uttered by a rather prim individual was surprising enough, let alone taking Old McYeti's greens. Does anyone else accept food of plastic bagged origin at their work?

You Honestly Need Lessons? (An Actual Phone Call to a Library)

2008-11-01T15:14:00.002-05:00

At Paradise Plaza, where we get an interesting call.

Wannabe Pick-up Artist: "Do you have any books about how to be a womanizer?"

Response: "Please hold."

(Entire circulation staff dies of laughter for a solid two minutes)

Answer: "No. I'm sorry. We don't"

WPA: "Dang."

The World is a Much More Complicated Place than I Realized

2008-10-20T12:55:00.002-05:00

At the Washington Branch. Woman comes up to the desk and returns a couple of DVDs and some books on the Ancient Greeks. (I SWEAR I am not making this up!!! On the grave of my unborn child)

Geographical Marvel Girl: "Umm...yeah...I got a problem with these books. They weren't good enough."

Me: "What seems to be the problem?"

GMG: (Holding up one of the offending volumes) "I needed books on Ancient Greece. This is Greek"

Me: (Not understanding the problem) "You need books on Ancient Greece?"

GMG: "And the people who lived there."

Me: "So Greeks."

GMG: (Getting angry and looking at me like I'm stupid) "Not Greeks. Greece! The teacher said this book wasn't good enough."

Me: (Thinking it's for a college assignment or something. Not like she'd ever make it far in college. The books are YA, so maybe the reading level was too basic) "So what type of school is this for?"

GMG: "Middle School. My son's teacher said he needed books on Greece. This about Greek."

Me: (Trying oh so desperately to understand) "Ma'am, Greeks lived in Greece. The name of the people who lived in Greece was Greek. It's like how Americans live in America."

GMG: (Her brain straining to comprehend) "Look at this title. It says Greek. I need books on Greece"

Finally, another librarian came in for the assist and helped her find more books. But this brings up some problematic points. Is my brother-in-law half-Greek, or half-Greece? How close in proximity are the two countries? Are Greece/Greek international relations heated?

They Do Both Share a Last Name

2008-10-03T15:08:00.003-05:00

So I feel I should reveal a bit more about one of the system's continual, but not exactly problematic patrons.

His name is Mr. Butkis. Richard Butkis to be exact. He's a large fellow who used to terrorize offensive linemen back in the day, but has since retired to Big City and has mellowed out considerably. (Note: He's not Dick Butkis, but sure looks like him and has a stored past in football)

Mr. Butkis has a habit of showing up at various libraries throughout the system to check out CDs. I have no idea why he travels around town so much, except for the hypotheses that he's bored in retirement or has a part-time job which allows him to wander around Big City. Regardless, at any given library, on any given day, Mr. Butkis is apt to show up with a large pile of Jamiroquai and Velvet Revolver. He also has really weird and varied tastes, but always feels the need to explain to me his choices, as well as random trivia about the artists which may or may not be true.

Of course, my connection to Mr. Butkis goes a bit deeper than recongizable mobile patron. I suppose I should share some personal information. You see, not only did I teach Mr. Butkis' younger son for a while, but attended both middle and high school with his daughter, Richette. I was also in the same drama program with Richette for eons, and Mr. Butkis always showed up for preformances.

I also had a massive crush on Richette for a good 5 years.

Of course, it ended poorly. She didn't share my feelings, but I was smitted. I also never made a move because her dad was the size of a muscular refrigerator and could play me like an accordian.

But Mr. Butkis never knew of my unrequited emotions towards Richette, so he just considered me an acting chum who always got cast along side his daughter.

Anyway, I had dealt with Mr. Butkis several times before he asked me where he knew me from. He guessed a football camp, then another classmate, before finally realizing my identity as Tony Kris. He hadn't seen me in a good 5 years or so, and he looked much smaller (combination of him losing mass over the years and me growing to 6'3).

Anytime he comes in, he makes it a point for me to check him out, and feels the need to give me a lengthy update on Richette's recent doings. I seriously think he would destroy me if he ever found out I would have killed somebody for some of his daughter's old bathwater back in the day. (Hyperbole, but you get the idea)

So here's the last conversation we had, at the Longshore branch: (I could do a whole series on Mr. Butkis' exchanges)

Mr. Butkis: "Andy Kris! How goes it today?"

Me: "Not too bad sir. Yourself?"

Mr. Butkis: "Well, I'm feeling some Kanye, REO Speedwagon, and No Doubt today. Get a little bit of a Chi-town flow going down!" (I wasn't aware all of these artists were from Chicago. Also, Mr. Butkis is a white dude in his 60s)

Me: "Oh, is that so?"

Mr. Butkis: "Did you know that Kanye West's biological father is Cornel West? I just found that out."

Me: (Knowing this is pefectly bogus) "Wow"

Mr. Butkis: "It makes sense if you compare Kanye's first album and his dad's second book. Some of the passages overlap" (Stand back "Dark Side of the Moon" and "Wizard of Oz"! Kanye and Cornel have got you beat!)

Me: "I'll have to try it."

Things Which Cannot Be Unseen

2008-09-26T09:33:00.002-05:00

Working at the Washington Branch, which I usually greatly enjoy. However, due to a massive staffing shortage, everyone working was not a regular. To add to the bizzareness, my supervisor (Ms. Bunny) was also working the desk that day. (Note: Ms. Bunny is aware of my blog.)

Anyway, about 15 minutes prior to closing my supervisor comes up to me and goes:

Ms. Bunny: "So, what's your tolerance to grossness?"

Me: "I'm not sure but I think it's about to be tested"

Ms. Bunny: "Come see"

Someone had returned a bag filled with books. And said books were COVERED in maggots.

Maggots.

Teeny, tiny, itty bitty writhing white grubs. Ms. Bunny and another supervisor spent a great deal of time cleaning and disinfecting the area. Did I mention there were maggots?

Sadly, my immediate exclamation after seeing this disgusting sight?

Me: "Oh man, this is SO getting blogged about!"

Timberland and Magoo

2008-08-13T16:16:00.002-05:00

This past Friday, I got the pleasure of serving at the Timberland branch. I've never really mentioned them before, mainly because I never go there. Timberland is an affluent area of Big City, and happens to be one of the system's busier branches. And boy did I learn that.

I worked Circ, and the books never stopped coming. Ever...

For hours at a stretch I was dumb-struck by the massive amounts of books coming through the drop box. I asked a page if it was always this busy. To which she replied:

Overworked Page: "Hmph! Just be glad it's the weekend and one of our slow days"

However, my time at the Timberland branch was not just spent underneath piles of books. I also had a very interesting patron come in.

It's about 15 minutes to closing and I'm working the Check-Out station. Things are slowing down, most of the patrons have already left (It is Friday night) and I just got the go ahead from the branch head to shut down the check out desk. Until this ole sourpuss comes up.

I'm not going to say she's one of our "special" patrons, I truly think she was just a mean looking woman with a nasty dispostion. She comes up to the desk, doesn't say a word to me, and slams down a humongous stack of pencils. I didn't even bother trying to talk to her for the sake of my soul.

Without acknowledging me, she reaches for the electric pencil sharpener and begins to sharpen pencils. She's got about 50.

So here's the situation: I'm held hostage by Magoo. (I think the title of my post gives it away, but I'm curious if anyone gets the reference) And the branch head is wondering about my lack of compliance to their direction.

Timberland Branch Head: "Tony! I thought I told you to shut it down. It's almost time to go"

Me: (Wary of Magoo) "Umm...I don't think now's a good time.

Thankfully, my harrowing ordeal was finally at an end once Magoo ran out of pencils.

Running Wild

2008-07-12T13:32:00.001-05:00

At New Belfast.

Okay, Wha?? At the children's section where I have just found out most the library computers in the area have Quake 3 installed on them. And that's all the kids play, along with the Magic School Bus. Truly, the same kids who frag noobs in Quake 3 like to learn with Ms. Frizzle.

I'm so confused.

The Breakfast iClub

2008-07-12T13:11:00.002-05:00

So I bought an iPhone yesterday. (It's amazing and everything I hoped for. The greatest phone ever is an understatement) However, in order to purchase the device, I had to wait in line. Forever.

Since Big City is a big city, we have an Apple Store. After trying in vain to go to AT&T, thinking the lines would be shorter, I made my way to Big City's famed Apple store. I supposed there wouldn't be much of a line, since I arrived at noon, but I was sadly mistaken. It stretched several stores long and curved in interesting directions. Still, we all thought as soon as we entered into the store, our purchase would be immediate. But we were all wrong.

But I think I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to detail my companions. Our Apple-centric Breakfast Club. You had:

-The law student, cramming for finals whilst in line, left line once to get a smoothie for her hypoglycemia
-The vet student, hoping to get his iPhone added to a family plan not in his name, never left line.
-The painter, Not really a painter, she was painting her house when she decided to get in line for the new iPhone. Already owned an older model and was showing us how awesome it was. Left line for bathroom and getting beverage. Had nifty tattoos. Was directly in front of me. Quite cute once she took off her sunglasses
-The devoted dad, periodically had his two kids both under the age of 3 with him while his wife shopped in the nearby mall. Left line the most to buy us beverages and its ilk, plus to take his kids to the bathroom. Ended up buying the painter's old iPhone for his wife.
-The Tony

Special Guest near the end
-Tony's Dad, who changed his account information and is a lover of all things Apple. Skipped most of the line to get by me. Maybe stood with us 20 minutes.

We started out young and naive, but once hour number 1 passed, we were all dedicated to getting an iPhone. For the course of 4 hours, in the blazing Big City sun, we laughed, cursed, and became a family. A family of people standing in a slow moving line. I totally felt like I was in a John Hughes movie.

From Cute to Annoying in 4.3 Seconds

2008-07-09T15:16:00.004-05:00

At Buffalo Branch, where a little girl of about 5 or 6 comes up to the circulation desk.

Me: "Hi, can I help you?"

One-Track Mind Girl: "Liberry Card!"

Me: (Assuming she wants a library card) "Okay, have you had one before?"

OTMG: "Liberry Card!"

Me: (Trying to figure out what she wants) "Are you wanting to check out books?"

OTMG: (She's not special needs or anything, she just wants to be difficult. Ergo, she loses any cuteness and becomes just another punk kid) "Liberry Card!"

Me: "You'll have to be more specific than just 'library card.'"

OTMG: "Liberry Card!"

I'll spare you the rest of this, but it ended up with her just yelling "Liberry Card!" at me for five minutes until her mother finally showed mercy and pulled her away from the desk.

Petey's Revenge

2008-07-02T12:41:00.004-05:00

At the Buffalo Branch, where it's been a harrowing morning.

Quick funny note: a woman asked to help print out her resume. Among her credits, she listed her high typing speed and word accuracy. Except she misspelled accuracy. And she didn't believe me or Microsoft Word spell-check telling her she was mistaken.

But all was negated by the frightening reappearance of Petey Pedaphile, who somehow got a computer in the children's section. I tried to inform the regular Buffalo staff of his practices, but apparently they've never had to deal with him before. For one chilling hour, I watched him seek out his creepy pictures of fully dressed young girls in non-provocative poses.

However, another internet patron was also engaged in scary behavior on the other side of the library. Some person who I could not tell was a man or a woman, but equally unattractive either way, was printing out a ton of documents from a cruise hook-up site. That's right, they were trying to get their groove on at the library.

So I had creeps on both sides of the desk today. Like social misfits in stereo. Until Petey came up to the desk.

Petey: (Pointing to the gender-confused individual) "Man, that guy over there is giving me the willies. Doesn't he realize people can see what he's doing online?"

I was stunned. Dumb-founded. I wish I had a snappy comeback, but Petey floored me.

Giggity Giggity Goo!

2008-06-20T13:36:00.003-05:00

At New Belfast, where my love of working for the library just got reaffirmed hardcore.

I'm not kidding, this guy came in not even 5 minutes ago. I'm working the circ desk and this very special individual approaches. He is wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt and has a very pronounced chin.

Erieely Framiliar Guy: (Loud and distinct voice) "Hey there! Can I get some headphones?!"

Me: (Looking at the computer screen, not really noticing his face) "Yeah, all I need to see is your library card"

EFG: "Alright!" (He bobs his head a bit)

I look up, and it's the human embodiment of Quagmire. I'm not joking. His real first name is Ben, but that rhymes with Glen, and that stands for Glen Quagmire.

Me: (Almost certain I'm on hidden camera for a new Fox reality show "Family Guy Characters Harrass You At Work"): "Here are your headphones, sir"

EFG: "Thanks mack! If you need me...(Points to the computers)...I'll be surfing the net! Woo-hoo!"

Now all I need is a talking dog to ask me for a martini and I'm set.

My Personal Way to Beat High Gas Prices

2008-06-16T17:22:00.003-05:00

So this past memorial day I had the pleasure of sitting through governmental librarian in-service. Over 300 librarians, all crammed into a room together, suffering through some of the most interesting powerpoint, the breaucracy has to offer. And I know what you're thinking: "Wow, with so many librarians, who's going to feed the cats?" I kid! I kid!

Anyway, as part of the fleeting efforts to keep us vaugely interested, door prizes were given out. In particular, your very own Tony Kris won by far the best door prize.

It was a Razor Scooter. A very fancy one at that. Seeing how gas prices have topped $4 in Big City, I believed I had just found a fool proof way to get around. Sure it would take me hours to get from my house in Bruce Hill to any of the libraries, and cost me more money in Gatorade than I would ever spent on gas. Plus, I would be a stinky, sweaty mess once I reached my destination. But no matter, Tony Kris just got himself a Scooter.

During the lunch break, after finishing my plate of state-supplied gyros, I decided to give my new set of wheels a spin. It took me a little while, but soon enough I was speeding around the parking lot. However, in my excitement of learning how to ride and steer, I forgot the value of stopping. After reaching a swift pace, I promptly lost control of the scooter, and made a theatrical crash at the foot of my car.

I don't believe any saw me, and it's for the best, since my accident resulted in my pants being severely ripped. In the crotch area. And impossible to cover up. Needless to say, I quickly made my way home to make a quick change before any one was the wiser. (Of course, now I've written this online, everyone will know. Oh well, price you pay for blog posts)

My Own Private Brady Bunch

2008-05-28T12:23:00.002-05:00

At Middletown, where one of the regular librarians made the seemingly innocent mistake of calling me "Thomas," to which I took great offense. I've been called by that name so many times in my life it's not even funny.

You see, my much older brother is named Thomas, and he's like the coolest dude on the planet. He's the better looking, more successful, and all around nice guy you can never live up to in your family's eyes. He's like the uber-rockstar of Christmas. He lives several states away, but his cool essence still bothers my life. Other than starting with the same letter, our names are noting alike, let alone our personalities. However, even people who don't know him or know of him always seem to call me Thomas. One of my favorite professors at College always called me "Thomas" like 800 times a class, even though I always put Tony on my tests and essays. Did I mention that my brother and I went to completely different colleges in different states?

Of course, I took the usage of a degrogitory name in stride. I just bared my teeth and politely informed her that my name was "Tony"

So yeah, I guess that makes me Jan Brady for the rest of the day.

Time Management Is Not My Thing

2008-05-23T09:16:00.005-05:00

At Riverview, where I've already had a rough morning.

Ordinarily, pretty much all libraries in the Big City system are open from 9 to 6 on Fridays. However because of some concerts right next to the Riverview library, they've been opening at 8 in order to close at 5. This early closing allows the branch not to become overrun with intoxicated music lovers.

I've been scheduled to work for the past two Fridays, both of which started poorly. I woke up bright and early last Friday, thinking I had to be at Riverview for 8. However, as I pulled onto Riverview's street, I double-checked my schedule only to discover I was slated to work at the Washington Branch. Which, of course, opened at 9. Having nothing better to do, and with the price of gas being ridiculous, I went to the Washington Branch and listened to the radio whilst in the parking lot.

So this morning dawns, I triple-check my schedule, and I know for certain I'm supposed to be at Riverview for 8. I leave Casa Del Kris at 7:15, arriving in downtown Big City for 7:30. I actually find a decent parking space, and head for the Riverview entrance at 7:40. With a little bit of luck, I can set everything up and be ready to go for 8. (Since I travel around to all the branches, I don't have keys to any. I'm dependent on a regular staffer to open the door. One gets used to it pretty quick)

Here is a play-by-play of my time:

7:45-Check the door. It's locked. Peer inside to see if anyone is behind the desk.
7:46-Decide to chill outside.
7:47-Sit down on bench
7:48-Wonder if my car is going to get towed
7:49-Become slightly concerned about the lack of staff considering the library opens in ten minutes.
7:51-Wonder if Mark Hamill ever gets sick of being called Luke Skywalker
7:53-Attractive young lady passes me by on her way to the nearby coffee shop. Says a quick "hello"
7:55-Call the Riverview library to see if anyone is there. No answer
7:58-Wish I had brought a book or something
8:00-Zero hour. Still no one is at the branch. Patrons start lining up.
8:01-Patrons realize library isn't opening and the librarian is even more clueless than they are
8:02-Attractive young lady returns from coffee shop. She throws me a glance, but I'm too bizarred out from work to respond in kind.
8:04-State workers show up to fix the lighting. Door's still locked, they don't have a key.
8:05-Retry calling the library. No response.
8:08-Wish I had brought a DS or something.
8:10-Attractive young lady returns. Asks if I'm a librarian. I respond I sorta am. She's some sort of judicial aid at the court house next door. Her name is Kate. She is pleased to meet me. Kate wonders why she hasn't seen me before, since she oft goes to Riverview.
8:11-Kate gives me her number and asks if I want to go to lunch today. I refuse on principle, and that it's kind of weird.
8:12-Kate leaves a little dismayed, since she doesn't look she's gotten turned down before. This marks the fifth time I have been asked out in a work-type setting.
8:15-Fifteen minutes have passed. I call my boss. My boss is out today. I tell next in the chain of command the situation. She says she'll look into it and call me right back.
8:16-Wonder if Mark Hamill would have turned down Kate.
8:17-Call back from next in chain of command. Turns out the concert series ended last week. Riverview is back opening at 9. I feel like an idiot.

So yeah, for two weeks in a row, I've gotten up way early for absolutely no reason.

For The Record

2008-05-16T10:23:00.002-05:00

So after about a month and a half, McGruff the Crime Dog finally got her package. It took several calls to His Majesty and visits to see the goat-man, but she finally got it. And she freaking loved it. So Tony Kris gets all sorts of bonus points.

Anyway, I've got her second package prepared. I suppose I should sent it sometime soon. Maybe this time the warlords will be easier to defy.

I've Been Tagged

2008-05-16T09:59:00.002-05:00

So apparently I've been tagged. And I must comply. So here we go: Fact, Goal, Random.

1) Fact: I got my grades from my first semester at UBC. Pretty stinking good.
2) Goal: To send McGruff another package
3) Random: I was supposed to be twin girls. My parents had the names "Tanya" and "Tina" picked out and everything. However, whenever Momma Kris gave birth, only one male Tony came out.
4) Fact: I have three major fear: Lakes, Small segmented shapes (like beehives), and trailer parks.
5) Goal: Finish my summer project (I'm writing a book)
6) Random: I once gave a girl diamond earrings on the first date.
7) Fact: I have never gone into any sort of debt.
8) Goal: Get my Ph.D, teach some classes, write some books, never retire.
9) Random: Pretty much any exclamation yell out at random moments comes from a rap song. Key examples: "Collipark!" "Shazam!" and my personal favorite "The Most Beautifullest Thing in this World!!!" (...it's just like that!!! I get in ya!) For real, I say the word "beauifullest" a ton.
10) Fact: I have found that working isn't all it's cracked up to be. Or "real life"
11) Goal: To read a big, long, dumb series this summer (I tried the "Wheel of Time" for a while, but got bored and quit)
12) Random: I think Keith Murray is the most underrated rapper ever. And Jazzie Pha is the most underrated producer.
13) Fact: I really like summer movies. Even if the film is terrible, I'll have a good time eating popcorn. In fact, that's usually what I enjoy the most.
14) Goal: To spend a summer in New Zealand
15) Random: I think that I will always be mystified by women; no matter how old I get, no matter how well I know them individually, they will never make sense to me.

I tag whoever might read this.

Wherein Tony Kris Feels Like A Jerk

2008-05-10T13:00:00.004-05:00

At the Taylor Branch, working the circ desk. Guy comes in carrying his infant son.

Guy: "Yes, I'd like to pick up a hold."

Me: (Sensing that the guy looks framilar, but I chalk it up to the probablity of seeing him in Taylor once before) "Alright, what's the name it'll be under?"

Guy: "Target. First name is Easy"

Me: (Somewhat stunned) "Did you go to Big City Middle?"

Easy Target: (Very hesistant) "Yeah..."

Me: "I thought you looked framilar. Anthony Kris (I only started to go by "Tony" while in college). We had some classes together."

Easy Target: (A little scared, holding onto his son tighter) "...You're not normally here, are you?"

Me: "Nah, they just send me here occassionally. Wow, it's been over ten years! You been alright?"

Easy Target: (Not comfortable at all) "I've been well. Do you have the books?"

Me: (A little baffled, but I roll with it) "Lemme check." (Seeing that they're LSAT books and wanting to make conversation that's non-middle school related) "Ah, the LSAT. I took that. It's a pretty daunting test. Not really hard, just long."

Easy Target: (Wanting to get out) "Here's my card."

It's at this point that I realized a vital fact. I spent most of my middle school days bullying and mocking Easy Target. (Not beating him up and taking his lunch money, more like saying that he was dumb, poor, smelly, and an all around human wasteland) I couldn't count the number of times I made him cry. In fact, he transferred out of Big City Middle after 6th grade, presumably because the teasing. I mean, I wasn't the only one, but I certainly didn't obstain when Easy Target was around. Heck, even his name made him an easy target.

So seeing me in the library probably un-repressed a whole slew of bad memories. He'd gotten over his past, gotten a girl who liked him, heck, even had a child. But like something out of a bad dream, evil Anthony Kris is behind the desk at the library. I decide to tone it down.

Me: "Thanks." (Checks out his test prep materials) "Due in three weeks. Take care"

Easy Target: (Sort murmurs a half-parting and rushes out of the library)

Needless to say, I felt like a smuck for all my past behavior. I suppose I reaped what I sowed, even after I'd forgotten about the torment I caused Easy Target back in the day.

Oh well, such is life.

Maybe 4 People in the World Will Get This

2008-05-02T11:24:00.003-05:00

You live life and you don't think that you make that much of a difference and then a little thing happens that validates everything.

Watching "Nightline" with my father, when a report comes on about the mortgage crisis and its effect on Baltimore.

(A note: Since I'm going to grad school in my hometown, I've found it perfectably respectable and logical to move back in with my parents after living away from home for college. No sense in paying for rent when I could live at home and save money. I'm not trying to impress anyone, so life at Casa Del Kris seems like a pretty sweet deal. I mean, I'm going to move out for my Ph. D, since it won't be at UBC, but paying rent when I could live for free just seems silly)

Dad: (All the sudden, out of nowhere) "Omar Comin'!"

Yes, I suppose if nothing else my viewing of "The Wire," arguably the greatest show ever on television, has resulted in my dad having an awesome go-to joke any time anything remotely related to Balitmore presents itself in the conversation.

I don't think I've stopped laughing.

An Even Sadder Realization

2008-04-28T15:05:00.002-05:00

This weekend, I had a wonderful trip up to my old stomping grounds of College Town, which is located in another state than Big City. After randomly seeing a major rap star whilst filling up with gas, I made the voyage via car from Big City to College Town. (I'd name the rapper, but his name is synonymous with Big City, which would totally reveal any sense of remaining anonymous)

So I roll into College Town, a couple hours early. My frat's reunion was due to start until a couple of hours, and I wanted to check my email to see if McGruff had gotten her package (She hadn't as of yet, but that's not important). Of course, in the two years since I last lived in College Town, a lot has changed. I needed Wi-fi, but I had no idea where to get it. I couldn't go onto the college's campus and use theirs, since I no longer had a valid student ID. I also didn't know anyone living in the area, since everyone's spread out around the country post graduation. All the local coffee shops had closed and I wasn't about to go to Starbucks to pay for their crappy Verizon Wi-fi. But I really needed to check my email and whatnot. So I decided to take a drastic measure:

I purposely went to College Town's branch of the city library and used theirs.

As in, on my day off, during a trip that was meant to be fun, I purposefully went to a library, my place of employment, just to use the Wi-fi. And I actually talked shop with the College Town Librarian.

I swear, I had to go through 5 hours of intense fraternal bonding to get the awful taste out of my mouth. If past me ever gets a time machine and discovers what present me is up to, he'd probably kick my butt. Talking shop with a librarian. For shame, Tony Kris, for shame.

Government Customer Service on the Other Side

2008-04-23T14:34:00.005-05:00

So I recently was on the other side of government agency customer service. I don't think I was that much of a problem patron, but if I get mentioned on some post office guy's blog about mailing horror stories, I won't be too surprised.

As mentioned before, I've got a very dear friend (the much alluded "McGruff the Crime Dog") who's currently doing a year as a missionary in Swaziland. Being the nice guy that I am, I decided to send her a care package via the United States Postal Service. Of course, since it's me, I'm not content to do a simple, reasonable care package. No, Tony Kris has to do it massive style. Whenever I was finished loading up the box with all sorts of niceities, it weighed in at 10 lbs. 13.2 oz.

So I walk into the post office with my enormous parcel in hand and go up to the next available counter. Behind the desk, there is an incredibly grizzled old man, waiting to inform me of how much shipping this bad boy was going to cost.

Of special note was this guy's beard, which can be only described as a "goat beard." Now there's a huge difference between a goatee and a goat beard. Goatees are what young hipsters have whenever they get sick of rocking the soul patch. Goatees are "cool," "hip," and "somewhat popular." However, this guy, who must have been working for the USPS ever since Ben Franklin established it, was the owner of a goat beard. It was long, scraggly, and intermixed with gray. To be honest, it wouldn't have surprised me if he was actually a satyr. I half-expected him to whip out some pan pipes and start dancing a jig with his cloven-hoof feet.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic. So I put my package down on the scale, and await Mr. Tumnus' instructions (Bonus points if anyone gets the reference without googling or wiking it)

Mr. Tumnus: "So, where are we shipping today?"

Me: "This right here is headed off to Swaziland."

Mr. Tumnus: "Okay, Switzerland" (Begins typing)

Me: "Not Switzerland. Swaziland"

Mr. Tumnus: (Looking confused) "Swaziland? Never heard of it"

Me: (Not wanting to get into the whole "Swaziland is indeed a country" debate once again) "Trust me, just look it up." (Starting to spell out Swaziland)

Mr. Tumnus: "Ah, you're right! Swaziland! It's right here!" (Begins typing some more) "And it looks like it's in Africa..." (Stares at me dumb-foundedly) "Good lord boy! In my 35 years of working at this post office, I've never had anybody send anything that large, that far!"

Me: (In disbelief that he's worked at the post office for only 35 years and expecting him to still whip out the pan pipes) "How much is it going to cost?" (Wanting to be done with this, since everyone in line is starting to realize that it's going to take a while for all my postage to be taken care of)

Mr. Tumnus: (Still wanting to talk about how far Swaziland is from Big City) "Gadzooks!" (He actually said 'Gadzooks') "This is going to probably cost a fortune! Who are you sending this to? Your girlfriend?"

Me: "No."

Mr. Tumnus: (Trying to justify my desire to send a huge package overseas) "Then it's got to be your wife or fiancee!"

Me: (Though I'm not opposed to the idea) "Nope. Just a care package for a friend. Lots of American stuff she can't get there." (Like Pop-Tarts, for example.)

Mr. Tumnus: "Well, you've got to declare everything for customs."

Me: (I quickly do so, wanting to be as speedy as possible) "Here you go."

Mr. Tumnus: "Holy Cow! Now, do you want to send this overnight express, priority, or ground?"

Me: (Not wanting to spend a fortune) "Nothing in there is perishable, so ground's okay."

Mr. Tumnus: (Typing away) "Well, it looks like ground's off the table. You're going to have to do priority at the lowest, because...

I SWEAR I AM NOT MAKING THIS REASON UP! I cannot make that clear enough

Mr. Tumnus: "...it looks like the warlords have gotten pretty bad."

(Okay, one would think that if warlords were a problem, the least technologically advanced shipping method would be preferable. You'd think that planes and trucks would be taken over at a high rate. But no, it's the slowest transport that's off the table. I'm assuming that the extra money has to spent on bribes. Like I paid for my package to be sent via plane, but it's actually going on donkey back with the extra money used to pay off warlords from getting their hands on McGruff's Pop-Tarts.)

Me: (Scared of the price) "Priority is fine"

Mr. Tumnus: (Really REALLY loudly) "HOLY JEEZ! It's going to be $80.42!

Me: (Actually quite pleased. Way WAY lower than I feared) "Wow. That's quite reasonable."

Mr. Tumnus: "I've never, ever had anyone spend that much on postage! Holy Cow!" (I was afraid he was going to have a heart attack. Either that or I'd have to offer him a tin can just to calm him down) "And her name is McGruff the Kris?" (He's trying to finish the form so I can get out of there)

Me: "No. My name is Tony Kris, her name is McGruff the Crime Dog.

Mr. Tumnus: (Totally serious, like not even winking at me or anything.) "Not for long it's not. Whenever she gets this, she'll want to be McGruff the Kris."

I felt incredibly awkward after that. I paid my money and quickly got out of there. Still no word if the package made it through the warlords yet.

Up Next, The Dagobah 500

2008-04-18T15:00:00.002-05:00

Still in Middletown, where I saw this amazing sign during my lunch break:

A quick note, Middletown is like white flight personified. All they've got there is rednecks and political signs for "Boner Leroy," (which is not his real name. His actual name is much dirtier, no lie) My favorite pastime whenever I'm working in Middletown is to blast some Ghostface Killa with my windows rolled down. Just to frighten the residents a little bit, which could possibly result in their moving even further away from Big City.

Anyway, this was a sign in front of some local establishment in Middletown. Verbatim.

Nascar

Ready for Talladega, We Are

I had no idea Yoda was such a fan of stock car races, let alone resided in Middletown.

Busted Again

2008-04-18T11:30:00.003-05:00

At Middletown, where I have deja vu for all the wrong reasons.

Woman comes up to the desk (maybe five minutes ago) with a stack of audio books to check out. I take her card. It's warm...

Yup, you guessed it. Not even 2 seconds after I give it back to her, it's back next to her bosom.

Does anyone else have this problem?

Tony Kris, Casanova to the Extreme

2008-04-16T18:27:00.004-05:00

As mentioned before, I've had a few run-ins with single mothers who somehow found my occupation a desirous trait. But I've never had to directly turn them down, I just shrugged them off or my purposeful aloofness gave them the hint. (I'm really not interested in meeting someone that way. Work is work. Anywhere else is free game, but the internet and at work at the two places where I refuse to allow such pursuits) Until now.

Covering the Teen desk at Antietam. I was scheduled to work circ, but switched over to cover lunch shifts. It's early afternoon, so not many teens are in the area. However, a mom comes by and strikes up this conversation.

Dedicated Single Mom: "There you are. I was wondering when I'd see you again."

Me: "Excuse me?" (My immediate reaction was that she didn't see me behind the desk and wanted some assistance.)

DSM: "It's been a long time since you were here. I remember you."

Me: (Not wanting to go into the whole song and dance about how I'm only at certain branches at certain times) "Well, I don't get to come to Antietam as much as I might like, but I always like to come here."

DSM: "I'll bet." (Noticing my grad school book that I have to the side. It had to be finished for seminar the next day and I was pretty much absorbed in it during breaks and lunch) "What's that you got there?"

Me: "Nothing really. Something I've got to read for class." (Holding up the book for her to see) "It's about Elvis"

DSM: (With more than just a suggestive eyebrow raise) "Elvis the pelvis, eh? (Looking a little disappointed) "So you're at UBC?"

Me: "Yeah, getting the ole masters."

DSM: (I suppose hearing of my graduate degree and knowing that I wasn't a minor reperked her interest) "Watch out! Going to get the big bucks!"

Me: (Laughing because my degree's in history and there's no way I'll ever make any decent amount of money) "That's the plan. Anyway, can I help you with anything?"

DSM: "Actually, you can. My name is Dedicated Single Mom, but you can just call me Dedi. And you are?"

Me: "Tony Kris. But just Tony's fine" (Expecting to hear some sob story about how her child's book report is due tomorrow and she had no idea and if I could write a report/find the movie version of the book. I've hear it all and immune to most of it.)

DSM: "Tony...I like that name...it makes you sound so charming. Anyway, Tony, I've seen you around the library before and I've noticed that you've got a great way with kids"

Me: (Knowing that she's buttering me up to do her kid's book report) "Thank you. I try"

DSM: "Believe me, you do more than just try!" (Nervous laughter on her part. I have no idea what's funny) "Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to go get coffee or something sometime?"

Me: (Still waiting for her to lower the boom of doing research for her child. Stunned by her forwardness.) "What?"

DSM: "You seem like an awfully nice guy and that's what I need in my life right now. It just seems like a fun thing do, you know?" (Winks at me)

Me: (Baffled and going for aloofness to shy her away) "Umm...Wow..." (Truly at a loss for words)

DSM: "I know you had to have noticed me. You were such a sweetheart the last time I was in here, helping Jimbo get his Thomas the Tank Engine books."

Me: (Really struggling to remember this woman, or Jimbo, or Thomas the Tank Engine. I honestly do not remember seeing this woman before in my life, but apparently I was such a sweetheart that I warranted asking out. I mean, I'm never flirtatious or anything at work. Sure, I'm nice to the kids, but who isn't? Just because I help your kid find books, doesn't mean I'm coming on to you. Remember, I do sorta get paid for this) "Just doing my job ma'am."

DSM: "It's Dedi, not ma'am"

Me: "Well Dedi." (She giggles a bit) "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to turn you down on your offer." (She looks a little stunned. I don't think she ever expected the libraryman to turn her down. I suppose she thought me as dateless and desperate as herself. I AM working in a library)

DSM: "Why..." (Quick look of dread as glances down on my hand) "You aren't married, are you?"

Me: "No, I'm not married." (Struggling to find a way to turn her down easily. I'm not too sure about the patron fratenizing policy, so claiming that might be a risk. I'm not about to go the 'I'm not interested in single mothers' route, though that's the truth. And claiming gayness seems like more trouble than it's worth. I decide to be somewhat honest) "I mean, it's flattering, but my life is so busy and stressful right now I don't think I'll have time." (A risk, since my life is actually loaded with time and about as non-stressful as you can get. I'm a full-time student with a part-time library job, how much more non-stress can you get?)

DSM: (Not understanding) "I understand" (Pulls a slip of paper from my desk and jots down something) "But here's my number. Anytime you want to talk or do something, I'll be there." (Quickly walks away before I can figure out a way not to keep her number)

I really hope she isn't expecting me to call. I don't want to be mean, but there's no way that I'd go on a date with someone I don't remember, who asked me out while I was at work. Sorry, but it don't come in that flavor

Are Those Bears Even Legal?

2008-04-16T18:10:00.002-05:00

At Paradise Plaza. The entire library world has been liberated. Today is April 16th. While we had scores of patrons come in demanding free tax services prior to this lovely day, there is now a dramatic drop-off with inquiries. To celebrate this fact, the staff was kind of taking it easy. There was an ease and flow about today. Everyone was in a good mood, we were freer with stickers, lots of smiles. And then Stinky Homeless Dude comes in. (He reeks of like industrial cleaner and pixie sticks)((He also kind of sounded like Will Ferrel's impersonation of Harry Carry))

Stinky Homeless Dude: "Hey!"

Me: "Yes sir, can I help you?"

SHD: (Long pause) "I bet you're glad to be done with taxes!"

Me: "Most certainly" (chuckling a bit to see if he's going to laugh along. He doesn't)

SHD: "Well, you gotta do your taxes. I did mine last year."

Me: "So did I, but the government keeps wanting more" (Trying again to get a shared laugh going. Critical failure once again. You'd think I'd learn)

SHD: "Bulls@#$! If you ask me, they're nothing but a bunch of cheaters! Money-grubbing hucksters! They tried to audit me once!"

Me: "I bet that wasn't a good day."

SHD: (Finally laughing) "You bet it wasn't a good day! For them! I sicked my drop bear on that IRS agent! I don't think they ever missed him!"

Me: (Horrified beyond all measure)

SHD: "Anyway! Can I get on an internet!?"

I did not choose to argue with this man. So not only did he boast about killing a member of the IRS audit team, his method of execution was sicking a carnivorous koala on him. I can't respond to that. Score one for the crazies.

It's Called a Bra. B-R-A

2008-04-08T12:15:00.002-05:00

At the Redwell Waters branch, where I get this horrifying patron.

A woman comes in and asks if we can look in the lost and found. She had left her driver's licence and other personal information at the library and wished to see if we had found it. However, what was truly disturbing about this woman was her bosom, which was located underneath her waistline. No exaggeration, she was drooping hardcore. Furthermore, she was a hand-talker, gesturing wildly to punctuate her quirey.

So here's what the whole conversation was like on my end:

Droopy: (Waving hands to get my attention, which also results in her shirt moving in ways that aren't wholesome) "Do you see my licence!?!?"

Me: "Not yet"

Droopy: (Leaning over the desk in order to see my progress. Of course, her chest was totally on the counter. I was honestly fearful that she'd expose herself from the bottom of her shirt) "Are you sure it's not there?"

Me: (Trying my hardest not to wretch. This desire to be rid of her disturbing chest only spurs my efforts. I really want to find her information) "Wait, I think I see it"

Droopy: (She jumps back off the desk, making the most horrifying movement yet. Too much independence in the bosom area) "Oh! Thank you!"

I'm still disturbed by her attire. I mean, I know it's biological, but things weren't meant to droop that low

Oh Those Sneaky Patrons

2008-04-01T20:13:00.004-05:00

At the Taylor branch, back at work for the first time since going on funeral leave (Fraternity brother, guy I rushed with and lived next door to for all four years. Brain tumor. Cancer. Nasty stuff. He was 23). Trying my hardest to maintain decent patron relation skills in order to offset the ongoing sad thoughts. Luckily, the wackiness of patrons came through when I needed surreal humor the most. Woman walks up to the desk with a reference book.

Sly Lady Patron: "Yes, I want to get this book renewed"

Me: "I'll need to see your card" (Scan it into the computer) "Okay, it says here you have nothing checked out"

SLP: "No, I checked this book out 3 weeks ago. I just want to renew it"

Me: "I'm sorry, but your account doesn't have anything checked out." (I notice that it's a non-circulating item) "Also, those reference books don't check out. See the star on the binding"

SLP: (Now realizing that the jig is up) "Bye" (Darts out of the building)

As near as I can figure it out, she thought she could get around the whole "THIS ITEM DOES NOT CIRCULATE" stamp with her clever lies. I'd like to think that she planned this out for weeks, waiting for the exact moment to spring her genius on the unsuspecting library world. I guess all my years of education were for naught, since they never covered how to deal with such brilliance. I'm so thankful that I unexpectedly foiled her little plot, or else I'd be fleeced something good!

Embarrasing Misspeakings

2008-03-26T19:28:00.004-05:00

At the Redwell Waters Branch, where a high schooler and her mother come up to the youth desk and asks the following question:

High School Seeker: "Do you have anything about Isaac Hayes?"

Me: (Looking it up on the computer) "It looks like all we got is 'Shaft.'" (HSS's mom buldge slightly) "I mean the movie "Shaft!" The movie!"

It Seriously Was the Most Fun Bachelor's Party Ever

2008-03-26T15:54:00.003-05:00

Here comes the latest gem from Larry the Mouth-Breather, UBC's authority on inane babble!

In class, talking to a fellow student about a bachelor's party I attended over Spring Break for a fraternity brother.

Me: "Yeah, it was a fun party. Granted, it was the morning of the wedding, so there wasn't too much godless partying and booze hounding."

Other Sudent: (Who happens to work as a bartender at Hooter's, and thus probably more framiliar with bachelor's parties) "Okay...how does one do a morning bachelor's party?"

Me: "Mainly fraternity traditions. We also had a very nice breakfast. Huge. The majority of the time was spent roasting the groom."

Larry: (Coming out of nowhere. Bum-rushing the desk) "What did you roast? Was it pigs in a blanket?!"

Me: "No...we roasted the groom, told questionable stories about him. That sort of thing."

Larry: (Not getting it) "Roast ham? Bacon?"

Other Student: (Annoyed by Harry) "So yeah, you roasted him, then what?"

Me: "A couple other fraternal things. Then we played a lot of "Smash Brothers"." ("Smash Brothers", the funnest game ever, had come out like a week before for the Wii. During college, many a long evening was spent Smashing amongst the crew. That and "Halo", but mainly "Smash Brothers")

Other Student: "Oh! I like that game!" (Never fails, chicks might hate "Halo", "Madden", and especially "World of Warcraft", but they love "Smash Brothers". And "Mario Kart") "How long did you play?"

Larry: "So what did you have? Eggs?"

Me: "Pancakes. And we played until like 2 hours before the wedding. (No lie. Luckily the groom was already in his tux)

By this time, the professor had come in, but Larry had to still talk

Larry: "Were they Pecan Pancakes?"

But yeah, Smash Brothers for the Wii. Better than alcohol, strippers, and gambling combined!

Pages in Confusion

2008-03-19T13:27:00.002-05:00

I had a hysterical run in with a page.

Basically, I was talking to one of the other librarians (who happens to be half native Nigerian) about a dear friend of mine who's doing like a year as a missionary in Africa. A page, who's like 16 and white, was listening in.

Other Librarian: "That's cool, where abouts in Africa is she?"

Me: "Mainly Swaziland"

Page: "OMG! Why did you say that?"

Me: (Confused) "What? Swaziland?"

Page: "That's racist! I can't believe you'd say something like that!"

Me: "What's racist about Swaziland?"

Page: "Can't you just say the country's name?"

Me: "Swaziland?"

Page: (Getting more angered and bewildered by my apparent racism) "That's not a country!"

Me: (Still not understanding his rage) "Well, okay, I know it's surrounded by South Africa, but it's still a country. It is small though"

Page: "Wait, it's really a country?"

Me: "Um...yeah...it's called Swaziland."

Page: "I thought you were being racist. You know, making up a country based on Swahili."

Me: (Still confused and in a halting tone as to not offend) "No...I didn't...it's a real country...I'm
sure we've got books on it...I mean she does spend some time in Mozambique...they speak Swahili some there...but not in Swaziland...The Swazi people don't speak Swahili..."

Page: "Oh...I thought you made up Swaziland just cause you were talking to an actual African dude and wanted to be crude and racist"

Luckily there were laughs all around as soon as the mistake was realized.

A Legit Compliant

2008-03-18T01:36:00.005-05:00

Okay, is there something about being a male librarian that makes single moms want to flirt shamelessly? I suppose they assume that I have a job, education, and am available (I've got like 1 and half of those things). But seriously, this whole epidemic has got to stop.

For instance, today I signed up a woman and her two young daughters for library cards. It's not a hard process, but it takes a while to enter in all the information into the system. Anyway, I did my usual chatting with the kids, asking them what kind of books they were looking for, giving them stickers, etc. Basically trying to appease them as they waited for the Libraryman to finally give them their cards. It took me about 5 minutes to finish up the kids, who promptly ran into the children's room to find every "Clifford the Big Red Dog" book. Afterwards, I finished up the mom's card and she went after her children. About 3 minutes later she comes up to the desk.

Overly-friendly Single Mom: "Excuse me, where are the biographies for children?"

Me: (Slightly concerned): "Isn't there a children's librarian in there?" (It would be bad to have the children's room unsupervised. Hardcore liability)

O-fSM: "Oh there is. I just wanted to ask you (*wink*)"

Me: (Resisting urge to laugh, grimace, or shudder. To say I felt uncomfortable would be an understatement) "Oh...I think that the children's biographies would be in the back, past the 900s. There should be a sign."

Okay, I must reiterate that I might have said 2 words directed at her before she came back to the desk. I mainly talked to the kids that looked antsy and had a realistic shot of yelling. I did absolutely nothing provokative, this was all her. Luckily, I think she caught the hint of my bewildered disinterest and didn't do anything further.

But seriously, that was extremely awkward.

It's Like Having 5 Different Phone Conversations at Once

2008-03-12T18:39:00.005-05:00

At Redwell Waters, working reference, when I get this phone call.

Me: "Redwell Waters, reference desk, may I help you?"

Politically Motivated Man: "Uh...Yessir...what does the word 'accrued' mean?"

Me: "As in 'accrued' interest?"

PMM: "Yes...does that only apply at the state level or the national level?"

Me: (Baffled) "Wha?"

PMM: "Does interest that's 'accrued' go on the state or federal level?"

Me: (Trying to understand what he's saying) "Okay, are you asking for the definition of a word or for some tax help?"

PMM: "Both, ideally"

Me: (Looking up 'accrued' in dictionary for exact definition) "Accrued- verb. To accumulate over time. It's interest that you've gotten over time."

PMM: "Now can the governor get that?"

Me: (Really confused now) "Okay, what?"

PMM: "Someone told me that the governor can get your accrued interest. I don't want him getting that money so he can spend it on Scarlet Women" (I swear, he said "Scarlet Women")

Me: (Slowly beginning to realize the extent of craziness) "Oh, that wasn't the governor of our state, that was the governor of New York. He was the one who got in trouble."

PMM: (On the defensive) "But on the news they said he was part of a sting operation and they got other people in it."

Me: (Trying my best to reassure him, it's a losing battle though) "That was just in New York state, our governor wasn't involved." (Remember, Big City is in the South. Nowhere near New York)

PMM: "But what about that bill he passed? Can everyone get the money or just people with lawyers..."

Okay, I'm going to stop the transcript right here. Basically, for about 6 more minutes, he detailed his extensive conspriacy theory to me. From what I can piece together, he believed that somehow the government (but he wasn't sure if it was the state or local government) had placed taxes on the usage of the word "accrued." Furthermore, all the governors in the country were involved in a prositiution sting and were all going to resign. There was also some talk of Barack Obama, but I'm not sure how he got into the conversation. Mainly, he asked a lot of legal/tax questions and wanted my advice. Also, because I work for the government, I have the knowledge of a lawyer since and I quote "They teach you all that stuff during training. And don't lie to me and tell me that they don't cause I know that the NSA paid for the sandwiches"

Once again, I don't know where to start. I really wish that my 2 days of inservice equaled a law degree. It would have saved me all the money and hassle of taking the LSAT and applying to all those pesky law schools. (Long time Tony Kris fans would know that I seriously considered going to law school for a while, even going as far as paying a non-refundable deposit for my first year. However, I'm glad I saned up) However, if Mr. Segway on the phone here thinks I've got my J.D., then by gum, I'm going to give him free legal advice.

Maybe I should start signing my name "Tony Kris esq." again.

I Suppose I Have to Thank Gabe and Tycho for This One

2008-02-29T16:52:00.002-06:00

At Antietam, when I have this uber cute exchange:

Two boys come in with their grandmother. The youngest, who's like 3 or 4, looks up at me (I'm quite tall, probably mind-blowingly so for a little kid) and this look of awe comes over him.

Little Kid: (Still awe-struck) "Are you a policeman?"

Grandma: (Kinda laughing at her grandchild) "No...no, he's not a policeman"

Me: (Realizing my great, and probably only, chance to use a line out of "Penny Arcade" in real life) "That's right, I'm a Libraryman." (Note: it's pronounced mostly like "Librarian," just fudge on the last syllable.)

LK: (As if this explanation makes all the sense in the world, and even more spellbound) "OOOOooooohhhhhhh!"

Yeah, it was beyond precious. So it looks that my reading of that webcomic actually paid off.

A Fond Memory of Taylor

2008-02-27T18:04:00.002-06:00

So I've been at the Taylor branch a whole lot lately. It's been fairly quiet, but there's also the possiblity for some randomly wacky thing to happen at a moment's notice. That being said, I think now's a good time to relive a happening that occurred during my first visit to Taylor.

So it's my first day of working at Taylor. I'd been in the system a couple of months before being sent on my first shift out in the booines. I make the 35 minute drive and everything's okay. This kid of about 13 or so comes in with his momma, and I can tell right away they're uber countrified. But hey, the library is a government agency, we serve all types and nothing really shocks me anymore. So this kid asks me if we have newspapers, to which I respond that we do and point him in the area of the periodicals. I don't think anything of it.

He comes back a few minutes later and asks if we have the WWE magazine. Once again, not an unusual request, we get a lot of kids who like wrestling, so I tell him they're in the Teen area. He rushes over and finds the latest issue and all the sudden goes "DAGNABIT! Ma! It's from last month! Now how are we going to find out about Vince?" So the mom comes to the desk and asks me in an incredibly thick hick dialect,

Country Mom: "Souhisvincehere?"

Me: (Quite confused and unable to put seemingly obvious facts together) "Um...I don't think we have a Vince that works in the library."

Country Mom: "What? NAW! Man, do you have anything on Vince McMahon? He died the other night! His limo done blang blew up!" (Imaginative huge hand gestures)

Now I'm taken aback. I'm sure you've been keeping up with wrestling story lines and are well aware of what's going on, but I sure wasn't. I'm thinking it's another Owen Hart, Eddie Gurerro or something. (Also, at this time, Chris Benoit hadn't happened yet) So of course I inquired more. The son answered my questions

Country Son: "Yeah! They said that he might have even committed suicide. Suicide!"

Country Mom: (Chiming in) "That man owns a million dollar company. There's no reason for him to commit suicide, it just doesn't make sense. A million dollar company!"

So while I'm giving them a reservation for a computer to get on the internet, I check CNN and other news websites for info. Cause every other time a wrestler died, mention was made of it on the real news. Nothing. Then I overhear the mom tell her son kinda loudly.

Country Mom: "You gotta go to WWE.com! The liberal media ain't gonna talk about this!"

I check the WWE webpage and it's pretty obvious that it's a storyline thing since if he had really died, there's no way that they'd be showing the explosion on the front page. But man, they are entranced by it. They watch some video of the "Vice President of WWE" say that RAW or whatever will continue on in spite of his death and they are almost on the verge of tears. After about half an hour, I guess they saw all that the website had to offer and they began to leave.

I asked if they found out anything and they started going on about "Somebody might know who did it" and "Million Dollar Company." I resist the urge to tell them that it's almost certainly fake and let them leave the library, talking loudly about what's gonna happen to the company.

So yeah, I guess there are still true believers out there.

Again With the Shellfish

2008-02-22T16:59:00.003-06:00

Personally embarrassing story but hey, that's why I'm anonymous.

Working at Redwell Waters when a patron comes to check out. She's got about 3 cookbooks and must have been staring at a screen too long because all of the titles came up "Low-Crab cooking" and "preparing a no-crab diet." I had never heard of such a thing. (One would think that not putting crabs would not require the usage of a cookbook. I mean, is it that hard to keep crabs away?) So of course, I had this very embarrasing exchange in an attempt to find out about this new cooking method:

Me: "So, is this for Lent or something?"

Crab Lady: "Excuse me?"

Me: "All this no-crab stuff. I've never heard of such. Is it new?"

CL: (Realizing my mistake WAY before me) "Oh sweetie, you must have had a long day." (She shows me the cover, which reads, of course "Low-CARB cooking)

I feel like a doofus for the rest of the day along with my coworkers continually ribbing me about my mistake.

This has been compounded by a sign I saw while working in Taylor. It read, and I kid you not: "Not Serving Hot, Delicious Crawfish." That's right, a gas station went out of their way to inform the drivers of Taylor that they didn't have any hot, delicious crawfish. I suppose that if one desired cold, medicore crawfish, they'd have you covered.

So apparently I've got shellfish on my mind

Is 20 Years The "Shellfish" Anniversary?

2008-02-20T14:52:00.005-06:00

Must...resist...urge...to...bust...out...laughing

At the Taylor branch. As previously mentioned, Taylor is quite rural and nature, and fairly stereotypically "redneck." Normally, I don't let such preconceived notions affect my perception of the patronage of Taylor, but today I found out that such persons are alive and well.

A big ole country boy came by the desk and proudly had this discourse with me

Big Country Husband: "HEY! How you doing today, son?"

Me: "I'm doing pretty well, yourself?"

BCH: "Aww, can't complain, can't complain. Today's my wedding anniversary!"

Me: "Well, congratulations!"

BCH: "Yeeeaaaap. Been married to the same girl for 20 years."

Me: "That's an accomplishment in this day and age."

BCH: "HOOO Buddy! You know it!"

Me: "So are you doing anything to mark the occasion?"

BCH: "Welp, I'm taking the little lady over to Lavatown tonight (Lavatown is a podunkier town than Taylor about an hour away) to the Red Lobster. It's Lobsterfest, don't cha know."

Me: (Straining not to laugh. Big City is well known for great dining, I'm surprised that someone would make the trek to Lavatown just to go to Red Lobster. I mean, I'm sure the cheddar biscuits are great, but Big City has much better seafood) "I was not aware that it was already Lobsterfest."

BCH: "Oh yeah it is. Can you believe the closest place to get lobster is all the way in Lavatown? You'd think something as big as Big City would have some lobster." (He then departs before I can formulate a response to the accusation that Big City is lobsterless and furthermore, that Red Lobster is the bastion of great lobster dining.)

Even stranger, the dude didn't drop off any books or use the library resources in any matter. I honestly think he came in to inform the world of his anniversary and his plans to take his woman out to Red Lobster. He was in the library for maybe 30 seconds.

Tax Time!

2008-02-13T15:11:00.006-06:00

It is just me or has a crazy rumor sprung around the populace that the library would do your taxes for free?

I've gotten calls and walk-ups handing me some W2s, claiming that they heard the library does taxes. Even more surprising, it's almost a defiant disappointment when they find out that not only do we not do taxes for free, we've never done it, ever. I've had people argue with me that not only the library said it'd do taxes, but they've gotten their taxes done by the librarians before. Seriously, if I was able to prep taxes, why do I relgiously have mine done by my CPA? Plus, if the library really did do taxes, why do places like H&R Block exist?

I would write a particular instance, but it's happened so much, no one time sticks out.

Is anyone else out there in library land that has had to deal with this epidemic?

The Return of Sticky Stinky

2008-02-06T16:49:00.000-06:00

At New Belfast, where I got an unexpected and horrifiying surprise.

Like I mentioned before, I'm now going to school full-time. Thankfully, the Big City Library system has been awesome in working around my class hours. However, in exchange for such flexiblity, I have to work some strange hours and shifts. Case in point, I'm here at New Belfast working 4 to 8. Anyway, just as I walk in, the busy sheep hits the fan. The place is super busy, with several families getting library cards for their children.

I don't mind giving young children library cards, heck it's one of the real pleasures of the job, but the task can take a little while. And it's not very fun when you have a back log of 6 applications to fill out for a gaggle of kids who understandably are getting antsy staying by the circulation desk when Clifford and Junie B. Jones are beckoning them in the children's room.

After using my "jack-rabbit on a date" skills, I finally get my head above water and go help a father who has patently been waiting to get some assistance. It turns out his kid wants to get on the computer. As I start getting the child squared away on the computer, I hear a voice calling for me.

I turn around, and there he is. Stinky Sticky.

He pulls a lollypop out of his mouth and that old aroma fills my nostrils. I don't really understand a word he's saying, due to the fact that I'm keeping myself from retching, but I'd be willing to bet good money that he wants an extension on his computer reservation.

The best way I could compare this sense of impending doom with Sticky Stinky's appearance is like the return of Omar on "The Wire." Every season, you know Omar's going to show up, and bad stuff is going to happen. However, instead of whistling "Famer and the Dell," Sticky Stinky's gonna have his ever-present lollypop and horrific stench.

Needless to say, I gave him extra time on his computer.

Larry the Mouth-Breather

2008-01-23T20:16:00.000-06:00

Like I mentioned before, from now on I will occasional recant tales of UBC and the wacky students there. Already I have found a worthy successor to even the most bizzare library patron. That man is Larry. Larry the mouth-breather.

Larry is presumably a senior at UBC who is more than likely majoring in History, judging by his enrollment in a upper level class. He also has the functional IQ of roasted celery. In addition, he lacks the ability to maintain an internal monologue. Basically, at even given point during a lecture, Larry will raise his hand or just blurt out the most random and inane thing he can think of. I think the best way to show Larry is through actual things he's said in class:

"HIS FIRST NAME WAS WOODROW!" (Deadly serious after I made a joke after class that Eugene Debs won the election of 1912)

"What did they consider Asian?" (An actual question about the US' immigration limits on Asians. The prof's ((who is Asian himself)) more than a little snarky response?: "Generally people from Asia were considered Asian")

"Wait, so the Lusitania didn't hit an iceberg? The movie lied?!" (Said in class. I wish I could say I was making this up, but sadly, I'm not)

He'd fit right in with Major League Baseball and Petey.

Massive Loss of Cool Points

2008-01-14T15:38:00.000-06:00

So I start classes at UBC Tuesday, which means that I spent most of today running around UBC's spacious campus, trying to get all my fees and forms squared away before the big day tomorrow. UBC, being an incredibly large school, covers and dominates most of downtown Big City. Plus, with the Rhinos winning the Kiwi bowl, the entire campus and town has gone crazy, sporting Rhino horns everywhere (This is probably the biggest hint I'll ever give to as the to location of Big City). So admist a sea of Rhino fanhood, I have to register for classes and pay some money.

(I also take my Campus ID picture. Big stupid smile and two thumbs up. That's the only way to take a picture)

Anyway, I spent several hours in various lines until I was finally set and ready for one last chore, buy books for class. Against my better judgment, I decide to go to the campus bookstore, deciding that the extra money I'll have to pay is worth it since they'll probably have all the books I need due to it being the offical campus bookstore. However, unknown to me was the fact that History Graduate Seminars require a whole freaking ton of books. Mostly paperbacks, but still.

So I've got about 35-40 books in my arms when the following exchange goes down.

Girl: "Tony? Tony Kris? Is that you?"

Me: (Recongizing her as someone I know through a mutual friend) "Yup, that's me. How's it going?"

Girl: "I didn't know you were going to UBC!"

Me: (Deciding to put my books down in order to converse with her more politely) "Just got in. I start Tuesday." (I don't know her all that well, but well enough to warrant further conversation)

Girl: "So I didn't know you and "McGruff the Crime Dog" (Mutual friend's name) were friends. How did you meet?"

Me: (Putting my hand down on the shelf ladened with my books, as I begin to tell the tale of my meeting McGruff) "Well..."

All the sudden, the shelf collapses, making a horrendous racket and causing me to shout:

Me: "OHMIGAWD! What the heck was that!?!?!"

I am now surronded by a plethera of history books. By this time, a swarm of bookstore workers have rushed onto the scene. I'm just hoping I don't have to pay for any damages.

Girl: (Semi-oblivous to what's going on) "So...how did ya'll meet?"

I so I tell her the story, all the while having bookstore empolyees clean up my mess. I try my best to not seem like a total dork getting my books picked up for me, but I think that might not be possible. A massive failure on my part to keep my cool points intact. I believe I'll be starting the school year at -3000.

A New Evoultion in the Blog

2008-01-08T15:04:00.000-06:00

I've just gotten accepted into Grad School for history at UBC. As one might expect, I'm insanely excited to get back to school work and boring history papers. However, this does not mean I will be leaving the blogosphere. Nah, it would break my heart too much to leave my "fun patrons." With a bit of luck, I'll be able to go to grad school and work for the Big City Library System at the same time. So instead of just stories of random library people, you'll be getting some tales of the random students at UBC (GO RHINOS!)

A New Land Speed Record

2008-01-02T16:53:00.000-06:00

At the Buffalo Branch, where my speed in checking out an elderly patron causes him to exclaim:

Countrified Patron- "Good Lord boy! You're quicker than a jack-rabbit on a date!"

I didn't know Lagomorphs were so promiscuious.

Quite Possibly the Strangest Questions Ever

2007-12-29T14:46:00.000-06:00

Okay, I swore that I wouldn't reveal too much about my personal life, but I think this tidbit barely qualifies: I don't look like your stereotypical bibliophile. I'm not exactly the type you'd expect to working at a library. I was in fraternity for all 4 years of college, and kinda look like what you'd expect in an ex-frat boy. And I'm not going to lie, I used to tease and bully the "nerd" kids in middle school, not letting them know that I too was going home at night and rereading "The Ear, The Eye, and The Arm" for the 50 bajillionth time. Don't worry, I've long since outgrown that phase.

Anyway, I'm working at the Check-in desk at Antietam when I get a phone call. It's somebody wanting to renew their books. Taking care not to use my newly discovered 'smooth-n-sexy' voice to lead the caller into temptation, I renew their stuff. Then I get a bizzare question.

Caller: "What's your main number?"

Me: "You want the phone number to the Main library? (Big City's library system has one Main library, and a bunch of branches. I think that should go without saying, but just to clarify)

Caller: "No no. The Antietam branch. What's your main number?"

Me: "Well what are you looking for? Children's? Reference?"

Caller: "Where you check books in and out and can renew them. What's that number?"

Me: "You mean the one you're calling right now?"

Caller: "Yeah. What's this phone number?"

Me: (My head is straining with the logic contained in her call. She wasn't transferred, she dialed the number, and is asking for the very number she dialed. My head is starting to hurt with just trying to comprehend her thought process. However, against my better judgment, I decide to go ahead and just give her the number) "Okay it's ###-####."

Caller: "###-####? And that would bring me to the place where I can renew books?"

Me: "Yes" (She hangs up)

But has strange as that question was, I got an even harder question later when I was working at the reference desk. A girl comes up to the desk, looks to be about early high school aged. I ask if I could help her find something and she lays this loaded question on me:

Girl Who Doth Expect Too Much: "Yeah, do you have any good books here?"

Me: "Sure we do! What exactly are you looking for?"

GWDETM: (Taken aback by my enthusiasm. What can I say, it had been a slow day, and any question was welcome. Plus, I don't look like the type who'd be excited by books.) "Just something to read"

Me: "Well, that's a tall order. Are you looking for something fiction or non-fiction?"

GWDETM: (Blank Stare)

Me: (Deciding to go through the stuff that most kids her age seem to be into) "Are you interested in Sci-fi? (Blank Stare) Fantasy? (Blank Stare) Graphic Novels? (Blank Stare) Manga? (Blank Stare) I'm a big history fan, I can recommend some very good history books. (Blank Stare) Do you want something that's popular? We've got the new best-sellers over here. (Blank Stare) Cook book? (Blank Stare. I'm still trying to help her, so I finally ask) Well, what sort of things are you interested in? What do you like to read about and I can go from there.

GWDETM: "Just a really good book"

Me: "Is this for an assignment? (She shakes her head) Might you be interested in some of the classics? (Blank Stare) Ever read "Catch-22"? It's one of my favorites. (Blank Stare)

GWDETM: (Realizing her question is not going to be answered without her volunteering any more information.) I guess I'll go look over at the new arrivals. Thank you for your help.

Me: "Feel free to ask anything else."

I suppose people don't expect the frat boy to be a book dork.

Casanova Librarian-stien

2007-12-26T14:18:00.000-06:00

Working at the Antietam Branch, on the day after Christmas, when I get a phone call. It's an older lady, by the sound of her voice, and she wants to renew her library books. I do the regular procedure, asking her library card number, what books she wants renewed, when they're due now, etc. Anyway, I'm finishing up and she asks the following question:

Senior Citizen on Phone with Plenty of Life in Her: "Excuse me, but what's your name?"

Me: (Thinking she's going to thank me for my timely manner in which I renewed her stuff) "Me? Tony."

SCoPwPoLiH: "Tony, eh? You must be new"

Me: (Not wanting to go into the whole smeal about how I go from library to library) "Well, I'm here some of the time."

SCoPwPoLiH: "Well, you have a lovely voice. It sounds sexy. I wish that Santa Claus left you under my tree last night. Mmhmm."

Me: "Umm..."(Not sure what to say next)

SCoPwPoLiH: "Here's hoping you're the library next time I come there." (She hangs up)

So apparently the sound of my voice drives the ladies wild, but they're half a century older than me. It was pretty disturbing really. I feel slightly used.

Wherein I Discover a New Stench

2007-12-18T15:36:00.000-06:00

At the New Belfast branch, where one of the few patrons I remember from that area has a brand new and offensive odor. Granted, it's not quite on the level of Pus-Man, but it's pretty dang close.

So this kid, notorious for being a pesky patron, comes up to me at the reference desk and asks to get a computer reservation. I wouldn't call this child a "problem patron," he's just rather annoying. Harmless stuff for the most part, though he tries on a regular basis to apply for a new library card even though he already has one laden with fees. I've crossed paths with him at the New Belfast branch before, mainly for wanting a computer reservation and extension on his computer time for several hours.

Anyway, it's about 12:30 in the afternoon when he approaches my desk. (My first thought was that he should be in school, but I remembered that it's early dismissal for the rest of the week due to final exams) And he asks for an extension on his computer time. I inquire as to what computer he is on, and he informs me that he hasn't gotten on one yet, he just wants to get a couple of hours blocked off. And then the smell hits me.

It's a terrible scent. He had already consumed several low-quality lollypops and other sticky candies. In addition, he was at the point in his puberty existence where he desperately needed deodorant, but no one had the gall to tell him so. So he smells like pre-teen fonk, and artificial sweetener. I mean, it's terrible. It almost smells like those "all-natural" sweeteners that come in a vial and are used in conjunction with an eye-dropper that you can find at Whole Foods. Just a really fake sugary scent. And the kid keeps eating candy. Even after I tell him that food and drink are not allowed in the library, he rolls his eyes and pulls out another Dum-Dum. He even poaches a near-by trash can and places it under his desk, presumable to be the graveyard for his fake sugar addiction. Plus, he feels the need to keep coming to the desk every 5 minutes to ask for more time on the computer, even though he had 45 minutes left on his time. I honestly had to stop myself from throwing up every time he left, disappointed since I didn't give him a 4 hour extension.

Then he comes up to me and asks me to smell something. Sight unseen. I refuse, obviously. He shrugs and then pulls out a giant stick of BRUT deodorant, which he clearly hadn't been using. After this revealing, he leaves the library. I still haven't tried to touch his chair, which I'm sure is still sticky with low-quality candy residue

A Horrific Discovery

2007-12-16T14:19:00.000-06:00

Today, while at the Taylor Branch, I discovered that during my tenure working for the library, I have inadvertantly learned the Dewey Decimel system well enough to tell patrons where books are with having to look them up.

I am greatly depressed

Rhino Fanhood

2007-12-05T17:09:00.001-06:00

So the entire population of Big City has gone crazy as of late due to the exploits of our beloved "Rampaging Rhinos" of UBC. Despite a relatively disappointing football season, the Rhinos have somehow landed themselves into a fairly big name bowl game. This action has caused all of the Rhino faithful to collectively lose their minds. In particular, the search for bowl game tickets has reached a fevered pitch, with rumors of tickets being enough to cause widespread rioting. I'm at the New Belfast branch, (which isn't even remotely near UBC's campus) working reference when I get this call:

Me: "New Belfast Library, reference desk, may I help you?"

Insane Rhino Fan: "Yeah, I was calling about getting some tickets to the Kiwi Bowl."

Me: "Um...I think you might have the wrong number, sir"

IRF: "This is the library, right?"

Me: "Yessir"

IRF: "Part of the Big City County Library system?"

Me: "That is correct"

IRF: "Well, I heard you had tickets!"

Me: "I'm sorry, but the library doesn't sell tickets. Perhaps you had us confused with UBC's Library?" (I mean, hey, it's worth a shot. I'm sure they're much more accustomed with people calling for football tickets than we are and probably know who to call to for ticket information)

IRF: "I already called them. They said they didn't have any!"

Me: "okay..." (Very confused)

IRF: "Aren't you a government agency? Shouldn't you have tickets for sale?" (Logic! I think he figured us out. Since UBC and the library both get their money from the state, they both offer the same services. It makes perfect sense! Just like hanging out in the library for 4 years can get you a diploma from UBC)

Me: "I'm sorry, but the library doesn't sell tickets."

IRF: (Exasperated) "Well, do you know where I can get tickets?"

Me: "I'm fairly certain UBC already sold out of their allotment of tickets. You might want to try the internet or ebay, but it's going to be a lot higher than face value. (Like I said, EVERYONE is trying to get a ticket.)

IRF: "I figured as much. That's why I was hoping to try out the library first, before I checked online. Cause the library would have them for free, just as long as I had my card. I mean, I just paid off my account"

Me: (Head exploding) "Wha???..." (pieces of brain mold back together) "No sir, I'm sorry, the library doesn't get any free tickets."

IRF: "Well, thanks anyway. Ebay, you said?"

Me: "That'd be your best bet"

I think the library is missing out on its true calling for being a ticket broker where John Q. Patron can get free tickets for major sporting events just by having a clear account. I mean, that's REALLY serving the community.

That being said, Go Rhinos!

A Long Time Ago in a Library Far, Far Away

2007-11-26T14:48:00.000-06:00

At the Paradise Plaza branch, where a dude comes in to get a library card. I give him the required forms and ask for his ID, as per regulations. I notice his middle name, "Kenobi." I thought that was kind strange. And then his first name, "Obi-Wan."

Yes, his real name was Obi-Wan Kenobi Smith. I asked if that was his birth name or if he got his named changed. He informed me that it indeed was the name he was born with. He was born in July of 1980. I think it's pretty clear what movie his parents were watching that summer.

(Note: His name wasn't actually Obi-Wan Kenobi Smith, his name has been changed to protect his privacy. But I swear it was another easily idenifiable "Star Wars" name.)

The Most Adorable Question Ever

2007-11-17T12:12:00.000-06:00

This just happened not even two minutes ago. A kid comes up to me at the New Belfast location, all wided eyed:

Kid: "Can I read a book here?"

Me: "Yes, you most certainly can."

Kid: "And I can take one off the shelf and read it?"

Me: "Yes."

Kid: "Any book? Not just in the kid's section?"

Me: "If you think you can read it, you are more than welcome to try any book you want."

Kid: "In the WHOLE library?"

Me: "Yup"

Kid: (Big look of amazment) "Wooooow!"

So yeah, my faith in the future of humanity has been restored a little bit.

The Great Bird Poop Adventure

2007-11-16T15:24:00.000-06:00

This happened to me a while ago. But since I recently found out that people are actually reading this blog (and that I didn't get into trouble over the incident) I feel that now is as good of time as any to retell this tale.

So I'm sitting at the Youth Services desk at Longshore, happily typing away when I get a phone call from the front desk. They say that they have a call to transfer to me. I answer and it's the Middletown Branch, wondering where the heck I am.

I went to the wrong branch and nobody noticed until 2 hours after the fact.

So I semi-panic. I mean, I was the one who misread the schedule in the first place and went to the wrong branch on the wrong day. What was really amusing is that the people at Longshore didn't realize I wasn't supposed to be there. They were just happy to get another worker (since all libraries are understaffed) and didn't ask too many questions about how it happened.

Anyway, after swearing to the branch head in Middletown that I was about to speed over the considerable distance between Longshore and Middletown, I get off the phone and inform the staff at Longshore that I'm at the wrong branch and I have to get on over to Middletown before I get fired or something (not exactly a real fear, but this is my first major goof in six months on the job and they're all disappointed that their lunch shifts are in disarray since I was going to provide backup. I find the whole situation rather amusing. I mean, I'm laughing at myself for having tons of egg on my face.

As I rush out to the parking lot, preparing to jump into my car "Dukes of Hazzard" style. I feel something kinda splat against my head. That's right, a bird pooped in my hair. This just topped off the whole experience in craziness.

So I arrive at Middletown, after breaking several speed limits and semi-succeeding in removing most of the bird poop from my hair. I throw open the doors, gasping with apologies for the staff and patrons for my tardiness.

And surprise surprise, the place is beyond dead. We get a grand total of maybe 40 patrons for the rest of the day.

I wonder if Bird Poop counts as getting your hair highlighted?

The Reason We Keep Hand Sanitizer at the Desk

2007-11-16T09:59:00.001-06:00

So I'm working at the Buffalo branch. It's been a quite and rather dull day, not too many people coming in.

A woman approaches the circulation desk with a pile of books, DVDs, and other check outable materials. I don't pay too much attention as she puts the stuff down and prepares to pull out her library card. I take my eyes off her for just a second as I switch my computer into "check out" mode. In this miniscule moment of time, she gets her library card and hands it to me. I notice it's a little moist, but don't think too much of it as I scan her card and hand it back to her.

Then she puts it back in her bra. As in, she keeps her library card by her bosom.

I am greatly grossed out.

Should I have charged a co-pay?

2007-10-08T14:09:00.000-05:00

Usually my crazy-dar works incredibly well, but today it failed me

I'm working Circ at Redwell Waters and a ordinary woman in her 40s-50s comes up wearing nurse's scrubs hauling a small pile of books to check out. Thinking nothing of her attire since we have plenty of medical workers pass through on a regular basis, I proceed to ask for her card.

Me: "Checking Out?"

Crazy Nurse: "Yes, I am. (Points to the pile) Ever see anyone check so many books?"

Me: "Well, our limit is 50 and I've seen a few test the time (Shared polite laugh) Your card?"

CN: "Here ya go"

Me: (Looking at the card) "Oops. Ma'am, this is a health insurance card. I'm gonna need your library card"

CN: "No. That's a Library Card."

Me: "It says Blue Cross right here. (Trying to make her feel better) Don't worry about it. People give us all sorts of cards (Small chuckle to make her feel like not so huge of a moron for a small faux pas)"

CN: "That's my library card. You can just put in the numbers instead of the bar code"

Me: (Beginning to suspect craziness) "Yes, but if you want to check out books, I'm going to see the Big City County Library card. Not this card, which is for something else."

CN: (Starting to get paranoid and frightened) "Why can't you just use my library card? It's got the numbers on it? (Pointing to her deductible amount) See?"

Me: (Wanting to be through with her) "Okay, we switched to a new library card so I'm just going to put in a name"

Her account comes up and, surprise, she's at a group home in the area. I check out the books to her and send her on her way while she's all the while giving me the evil eye.

Actual Questions to the Reference Desk #4

2007-09-25T15:55:00.001-05:00

(At the New Belfast branch, which as previously mentioned, is literally down the street from the Longshore branch. Even more baffling is that these two branches were built within 2 years of each other. I suppose it was part of some urban renewal plan that has since lost steam. Anyway, the New Belfast branch is fairly "ghetto" as it were, but nowhere near as economically supressed as the Washington branch. I'm manning the reference desk when a young lady in her mid 20s approaches)

Patron: "Excuse me, but do you know where the term 'ba-donka-donk' came from? Particularly in when refering to a girl's butt?"

First off, I would have never expected anyone to really care about the origins of such a slangy word. It's slang, it means "big ole juicy booty" (Oxford Dictionary vol. 4 p. 356 ln. 12) or whatever, no one really knows where slang comes from, it just kinda appears in language. Nevertheless, I attempted to search our databases for an answer. I gave her a warning that it might be hard to find out the etymology of such a term.

Okay, but what's really surprising is that I WAS ABLE TO FIND OUT!

It turns out it first hit the national scene with the song "Fatty Girl" which was a collaboration for a Fubu album between Ludacris, LL Cool J, and Keith Murray. During Keith Murray's verse, (which was the 3rd and final verse of the track) he makes the exclamation "Girl, you got a badonkadonk! Don't hurt nobody!" It is believed that the phrase is an Angloization of either an African or Jamaican term for female behinds. Regardless of where Murray got the phrase, he is credited with exposing the term to the national conscience. He has since made mention of his claim to fame in his new song "Nobody Do It Better," where he boasts "Who got 'em saying Badonkadonk all around the world?" A common misconception is that Trace Adkins originated the term with his Country smash "Honky-Tonk Badonkadonk." While he might have widened its usage amongst the CMT crowd, there is no doubt that Murray predates this track by a good 5 years.

Now, what's really amusing about this whole situation is that at Reference, we are required to keep a log of questions asked (For accounting and ordering purposes, standard practice at all libraries, as far as I know). There was something hugely satisifying about writing down "Badonkadonk" under "Nature of inquiry"

I guess now the powers that be are going to order a whole bunch of booty materials to satisfy the public's growing need.

Absent-minded love

2007-09-24T11:54:00.000-05:00

I'm at Timberland today in the children's room. Timberland is like Antietam in that it's one of the larger more affluent libraries, but for some reason I like Antietam better, even though Timberland doesn't get homeschoolers.

So as a mom and her two little toddlers are leaving, the two little girls are saying "bye-bye" to me, the friendly man behind the desk who found them some horsey books. I return the acknowledgement and wave bye-bye to them. As they pass to leave the room, I believe the mom attempts to say "Thank you for the help." But that's not what comes out.

Mom: "Love you," stops, and just leaves

I have to laugh cause I recently ended a call to my supervisor with the same type of non-thinking "I love you"

Ruining an otherwise perfect day

2007-09-24T10:59:00.000-05:00

So I spent the other day at Antietam, which is probably my favorite branch ever. It's got nice building, a great patronage, and the best staff taxpayer money can buy. Going there is one of the few real pleasures this job has. In addition, I trained at that branch (All except reference, which I did at Redwell Waters) and have nothing but fond memories of the place. Sadly, I don't get to work that often since it's fully staffed and a high traffic library. Still, sometimes the powers that be throw me a bone and schedule me at Antietam, which occurs maybe once every 2 months.

The day was marvelous: lots of cute, literate kids for storytime, people checking out loads of materials, and a decided lack of persons monopolizing the internet. In short, it's everything the other libraries aren't. The only "bad" thing about Antietam is that it's located in a crazy religous zealot subdivision, so you get lots of homeschoolers and Penecostals. But hey, I'd prefer a close-minded homeschooled family anyday of the week over a mentally unbalanced homeless person.

But 2 people marred an otherwise perfect day. The first wasn't that major, but an ongoing annoyance; Petey Pedaphile showed up to do his regular searching for underaged pictures. What's remarkable is that this is the 3rd library he's shown up at whilst I was working, prompting me to wonder if he's stalking me or just getting around to all the libraries. He's never been kicked out or banned to my knowledge. I even asked some of the regular Antietam staff about him, to which they responded that they've never seen him before. This distresses me to a small extent since it gives a shred more credance to the theory that Petey is stalking me. So for about 3 hours, I played internet chicken with Petey, making sure he didn't fall into temptation and make those 2 extra clicks. And to be honest, each time I've had to deal with Petey, I've paid him less and less attention, which is probably a trap and all part of his plan to lull me into a false sense of security.

As time-consuming as Petey was, he was nothing compared to the next problem patron. Lemme set the scene: It's 20 marvelous minutes until closing. Petey's been gone for over an hour and I've recovered from constantly checking his screen. I've just finished checking in a whole slew of returns and am anxiously awaiting closing time so I can go out (hey, it was Friday night, and I have a social life not mentioned on this blog). I begin to start shutting everything down and pulling receipts when a charter member of Future Spinsters of America comes to the desk with a printout in hand.

FSA member in her 30s: "Yes. I got this in the mail." (Shows me the printout, which is automatically sent via the system through the mail. It's a notice of items that are overdue. Like I said, it's automated. 1 out of every 7 patrons has it with them when they have problems with stuff checked out)

Me: (Very used to this sort of thing) "Okay. Can I see your library card?"

FSA: (Coldly) "Here"

Me: "Thank you" (Attempts to smile at her to lighten her up, since it IS the weekend. The smile goes unrequited, I return to business) "Okay. I'm seeing a few things checked out on your account. Nothing overdue. In addition, you don't have any fines. Your account is clean"

FSA: "That's not what this says" (Dangling the slip)

Me: (Furiously typing away to get this over with. We are nearing closing and I want to get out of there) "Okay, all three books on that slip were turned in over a month ago. No fines. You're clear."

FSA: "I thought I turned them in!"

Me: "Yes ma'am, you did. And we have a record of it. You are good to go."

FSA: "Then why did I get this in the mail!"

Me: "Sometimes the computer issues those early as a reminder. It's probably just a notice that you renewed all those 2 times and that you would be unable to renew them again." (Library policy. You can renew stuff 2 times online before you have to take it back to a library, there you can renew them some more, unless there's a hold on it. Library 101)

FSA: "Well, all I know is someone needs to get fired over this!" (She is not kidding. Hellfire and Brimstone)

Me: (Baffled and slightly offended) "Excuse me?"

FSA: "What do you expect when you mail things like this? It's upsetting!"

Me: "Ma'am, you don't have any fines and the books were turned in on time." (She never gave me a chance to really read the letter, so I didn't dare venture to claim that the slip was reminder that her stuff couldn't be renewed online again. Even so, I didn't see what she was so upset about. Yeah, she got a official looking printing out with the County seal on it, but everything was cleared. Nothing to be upset about)

FSA: "Do you call this customer service?" (Shaking little sheet of paper) "Who sent this? I want to talk to their supervisor and get them fired! They need to lose their job!"

Me: (Wishing that I had a supervisor or a higher up around to help me out. So I decide to go to default get-out-of-trouble-excuse numero uno) "Well ma'am, I'm not a regular at this particular library, so I'm not completely sure how they do things here. (Works everytime) But at most of the other branches, the computer system automatically prints those out and sends them. Also, we just switched to a new circulation system, so there are kinks in the system that need to be worked out. However, if you like, I can see if I can get one of the regular librarians here to help you out.

FSA: (Slighty, ever so slightly mollified, but not much. Kinda like putting a kleenex over a razor blade.) Yes...Yes...I think I'll like that a lot.

By this time, it's 8 minutes until closing and the staff is beginning to congregate around the front, getting ready to leave. I motion over to one of the regular guys, and he comes over and just lays it on thick, like butter. After his explantation of events, he has not only totally set her mind at ease about the situation, but could probably get her phone number if he asked. She leaves and he locks the door behind her.

I know this is stupid, but it put a bad taste in my mouth for the rest of the evening. If it was at any other branch, it wouldn't be a big deal. But it was at Antietam, which I hold to a higher standard.

Country Music Fans

2007-09-19T20:01:00.000-05:00

I haven't mentioned it before (and this is a tad personal) but I like rap music. Quite a bit. I mean, I enjoy aspects of all genres of music, but 53% of the time, my iPod is jamming to some Rap and/or Hip Hop. In addition, unless you've been under a rock for the past week, you've probably heard about the whole 50 Cent vs. Kanye West "who can sell more records" hype, with Kenny Chesney (sp? I don't know too much about this guy. Wasn't he married to Renee Zellwegger? Crap, that's another name I have no idea how to spell) representing the Country market as a dark horse to sell more than either 50 or Kanye.

Anyway, that was last week and Kanye handily sold more. However, apparently some of the folks in Redwell didn't know that little tidbit. Now that it's been set up to death, here's the actual exchange with a patron:

Big country woman comes in. She's wearing overalls. She's got a John Deere hat. She looks like she can bench press me (and I'm not the smallest fella). She comes up to the circ desk.

Big Country: "Hey! Ya'll got the new Kenny CD?"

Me: "Excuse me?"

BC: "You know, the new Kenny Chesney CD. "Pirates: Songs of Scrips, Scabs, and Scallywags." (Or whatever it's really called) It came out last Tuesday."

Me: "Oh. I'll check to see if we ordered it. I seriously doubt it's already out of processing since it's so new."

BC: "I can wait"

Me: (Checking on our system) "Um...I'm sorry, it doesn't look like we've ordered that. We have some of his older stuff in the Music section if you're interested"

BC: "Yeah. I'll take some of that. Every little bit helps. You hear about that thing with him and the rappers?"

Me: (Trying to be a tad sly as to not expose my true feelings on the subject) "I've heard a bit about it on the news."

BC: "Some Canyon West, or whatever that fellas name is, said he could sell more records than any country album and I'm doing my part to support Kenny. And all country music."

Me: "Really? He said that about Kenny"

BC: "Yessir. And I'm here to check out all of Kenny's stuff."

Okay, does she not realize that borrowing stuff from the library does not count on the sales figures? And that old albums have no bearing on the current sales. Anyway, as my mind is about to blow up from the massive logic failure, she continues:

BC: "Of course, Kenny better watch himself. Them rap guys kill themselves on a regular basis."

I just smile and nod, not wanting to continue this current questioning. She returns later with a thick stack of Kenny, plus some Garth Brooks just for good measure. I check her out and watch her leave with no incident.

I hope she felt proud for doing her part to help save Country.

Peaches

2007-09-18T11:19:00.001-05:00

So I'm at the Riverview branches, home of homeless and jurors, and there's a new face intermixed with the homeless regulars. Before you even see him, you smell him; he's got that typical "no-bath-in-eons" homeless smell, but just a tad more rank. Anyway, when I finally see him I notice a hysterical detail about his attire.

He's wearing a white shirt, now stained yellowish gray, with the word "Padre's" in sharpie.

I suppose he's such a Padres fan that he wouldn't let his lack of a logo on his shirt get in the way of telling the world what team he supports. Anyway, he comes up to the front desk and asks to use the courtesy phone, which I point him to. He then proceeds to dial about 5 numbers and have this conversation with "the person on the other line." Quite loudly, might I add, even for the Riverview Branch.

"HEY! I was just wondering when we're gonna go get something to eat?!?! I...yeah....yeah....yeah...well, I haven't had anything to eat today since breakfast...nothing but my pills! And Peaches! Oh yeah, Peaches!"

He then starts on a 3 minute rant about the quality of the peaches, how many cans he had, comparing canned to fresh peaches, Georgia Peaches vs. local peaches. Pretty much anything you can say about peaches, he said. He finally hangs up and leaves the library, looking for something to eat.

He returns about an hour later and asks to use the phone again. I let him, and sit back to enjoy yet another rant on peaches. Once again he dials too few numbers for an actual call and talks to his "friend".

"Hey! Don't worry about lunch, somebody bought me lunch! Yeah, it was great! Lunch!.....yeah....yeah....yeah....no they just bought it for me! I was just looking into the shop and this guy buys me lunch....uh huh..it was great! See you later! Maybe I'll bring some peaches!"

He then looks at books for the next 15 minutes and picks out a few about baseball to check out. He actually has a card, which is impressive. With a stack of books about his beloved Padres in hand, the last I saw of him was going out into the wilds of downtown.

Pyscho-Billy Freak-Out

2007-09-08T15:51:00.000-05:00

Today I'm at the Redwell Waters branch, which is host to a whole bunch of legitmate group homes housing both the recently released from prision and the mentally handicapped. However, the most interesting of our patrons this morning are from neither of those groups. I blame the whole general sense of the craziness on the fact that the mighty Rampaging Rhinos of UBC are having their first homegame this afternoon. In quick succession there were 2 insane phone calls and 2 equally bizzare walk-ups. In all the following exchanges took place from about 10:03 to 10:17 this morning.

Phone call #1

Me: "Redwell Waters library, how may I help you?"

Patron: "Yeah, I wanna renew some DVDs."

Me: "Okay, you have your library card on you?"

(Patron stumbles through reading the card number. Finally finishes.)

Me: "Alright. You had one DVD checked out and it's been renewed for a week"

Patron: "No. I had 3"

Me: "I'm just getting 'A Hard Day's Night on DVD.' The rest are books."

Patron: "I'm looking at 3 right now! I HAD 3!"

Me: "Well, what are their names?"

Patron: "I've got the 'The Brethren' by John Grisham right here."

Me: "Yes sir, that's a book. It's not due for another 2 weeks"

Patron: "Are you calling me a LIAR!?!?!" (as if this is the worst thing he's ever been called)

Me: "No sir, but the system is claiming it's a book. Are you sure it's not a book on CD?" (Note: this particular Grisham has not been made into a movie. Unless it's like an author's special reading, there is no way on earth it's a DVD)

Patron: "I'm VERY sure! I watched it last night with my son. (Terrible attempt at sarcasm) Would you like to ask him?"

Me: "Well, I'll just renew what I have down here. (It renews for 3 weeks, which only books will do) What was the other one?"

Patron: "3:10 to Yuma"

Me: "Okay, I don't have that title listed on your account"

Patron: "Well, we gotta find it don't we?"

Me: "And you're certain it's a DVD?"

Patron: "Me and my son also watched it last night."

Me: "There's no title close to that name on your account."

Patron: "Weeeeeeeeeeeellllll then, it looks like you're gonna have to do a little job finding it."

Me: "Just turn in the DVDs you have and we'll fix it here."

Patron: "I ain't a-coming until you find it."

Me: "Sir, you do realize that if it's not on your account, you can't be charged with fines for it being overdue"

Patron: "Oh. Well. That changes things. Thankee" (clink)

No sooner had that ended than we had:
Walk up #1: Church Lady from Hell

Who really isn't worth mentioning in great detail, just know this, it took forever, she was crabby, and she chewed out everyone with the same mouth that she sings choir. Basically, she's a problem patron who puts whole shelves on hold and complains about one book not coming in. Today she claimed that the Middletown library called her up and told her that the books she had put on hold had arrived her in Redwell. Okay, let's think about that. Why would a library on the other side of town call her and tell her that books had arrived at this library. Might this be a lie created so she could make our lives living hell. Luckily, the tediousness of dealing with CLfH was broken by

Phone call #2

Me: (With sound of CLfH yammering in the background) "Redwell Waters, May I help you?"

Dude: (Possibly strung out on drugs) Whoa. Yeah. I'm looking for a word. It's a word with two W's in a row in it. What's that word?"

Me: (Barely containing laughter because of the utter randomness of the request) "Hold on. Lemme transfer you to reference."

I transfered the call and bust out laughing. This angers CLfH, who finally starts to leave, muttering about disrespect for elders. I tried to explain that the laughter was due to the phone call, but she must have a dislike of mirth or something. As soon as she exits, in comes.

Walk up #2: White Trash Meth Head

WTMH: "I need a library card. Here's my old one."

Me: "Okay......Let's see if that one is current"

WTHM: "It should be, I got it yesterday"

Me: "Well then, you don't need to get a new library card everytime you come to the library. That one should be good for 3 years before you need to renew."

WTHM: "Can I level with you sweetie?"

Me: "Um...Sure?"

WTHM: (All as one rambling long sentence) "I got this friend, Julie, well it doesn't matter what her name is, anyway, she wanted to know, well she asked me, what the colors of the German flag meant, not the Nazi flag, but the regular God-fearing flag, and I didn't know, so Amber, I mean Julie, thought the library might know and that's why I'm here but my card is the one I got yesterday, and I want books on Germany, not really the country but it's flag"

Me: "Well, you don't need a library card for reference to look something up for you and maybe print it out. Just ask them. They'd be more than happy to help you." (I know this for a fact cause I trained in reference at Redwell and the place is DEAD. They'd welcome even the ramblings of a meth-head as a respite from the boredom.0

WTHM: "You are such a sweetheart for this. Your girlfriend's gonna go something special for you tonight. It's Karma." (Let alone the fact that I don't have a girlfriend at the moment, I'm not sure I'd want her voodoo on the relationship anyway)

She leaves when all the sudden, guess who should appear but the scourge of the computer printout system and Washington branch regular, yessir we're talking Petey Pedaphile!

Petey: "Wow. That woman was werid. People like that make me wonder." (Goes off to get a computer and scare the administrators.)

I don't think I've ever actually officially introduced Petey. He got the name "Petey" mainly because he looks like an overweight Peter Lorre, star of such films as "Casablanca" and "M." He's got the think bags under the eyes and the general look of helplessness, very much like Lorre's character of a child murderer in "M." This general creepiness is coupled by the fact that his internet habits are frightening. He never looks at actual inapropriate pictures of underaged little girls, but he's like 2 clicks away from getting arrested. There is no reason for a non-pedaphile to be looking at that many shots of the girl who escaped from witch mountain. Not only does he look at these pictures of fully clothed 7-year olds in non-provocative poses, he printing out numerous pictures, and then loudly complains about how he's being over-charged by the new printing system (The new print management system is another much longer post for a much longer day) Anyway, everytime he gets on a computer, you have no choice but to watch him like a hawk lest he finally dive into temptation and make that fateful double click. What he was doing so far away from the Washington branch is beyond me, maybe the gameday traffic was making the place too crowded.

In all, these equally strange exchanges took place in the space of a little over 10 minutes.

I've said it once and I'll say it again, white people scare me.

Actual Questions to the Reference Desk #3

2007-09-04T12:51:00.000-05:00

At the Longshore branch, which is pretty close to the New Belfast branch. I have no idea why two library branches were built so close together, but hey, it is what it is.

Angry looking woman with three kids under the age of 4 hanging on her storms up to the references desk.

ALWw3K: "Excuse me, where is the job application section on Walmart.com? I can't find it!"

Me: (making small talk as i try and pull up the walmart website) "I have no idea right off the top of my head. I'm not too familiar with that site. Lemme see if I can check on it"

ALWw3K: (Rolls her eyes as she storms off even angrier) "I THOUGHT this was a library!"

I suppose she excepts us to know everything about every internet site ever. I mean, we are the library, right?

Actual Questions to the Reference Desk #2

2007-08-29T14:32:00.000-05:00

(At the Buffalo branch, which is a suburb of sorts of Big City. Not as far out as Taylor, but still pretty country)

Me: (Answering Phone) "Buffalo Library, reference desk, can I help you?"

Thick-Country Accented Patron: "Yeah. I was wonderin' if ya'll had the number to Davis' Gun and (Word that kinda sounds like "Peom")"

Me: "Excuse, could you repeat that name?"

TACP: "Davis' Gun "Emmpallm"

Me: (Not know if he said, "And Pawn" "Emporium" or "And Porn," which sounds like the greatest store ever. Sex and violence under one roof) "Could you repeat that last word?"

TACP: "Palmem"

Me: "What's that again?"

TACP: (Louder) "Polwm!"

Me: (Not wanting to say "I can't understand you cause of your thick @$$ accent") "Do you know if it's located in Big City or Buffalo?"

TACP: "I'm pretty sure it's in Buffalo"

Me: (Pulling out a Buffalo phone book) "Oh yeah, Davis Gun and Pawn. The number is ###-####"

TACP: "What time do they close?"

Me: "I don't know, but I'm sure if you call them, they'll be happy to answer."

TACP: "You ain't got their hours?"

Me: "No. It's just a telephone listing"

TACP: "Whelp. Thanks anyway." (Click)

The main thing I learned from this experience is that someone needs to open up a combination Firearms and Pornography emporium. Preferably in the back of a casino or liquor store.

Cute, but little purpose

2007-08-28T14:46:00.000-05:00

I'm at Riverview today and a school group comes in for storytime. Being that I'm working circ, I prepare for the bum rush of check outs that will follow. And to little surprise, a gaggle of 7 year olds comes to the desk to check out Junie B. Jones or whatever. One comes up to me and hands me his library card.

Me: (Scanning the card) "Alright, and let me see the books you want to check out."

Him: (Blank stare)

Me: "You're going to have to give me the books so I can check them out."

Him: (Nothing)

Me: "Do you have any books to check out?"

Him: "No"

Me: Then you didn't have to give me your library card.

Him: "Oh" (Pauses for a beat) "Thank you"

Me: "You're welcome"

Actual Questions to the Reference Desk #1

2007-08-27T22:44:00.000-05:00

(This actually happened today. Not a reposting of older stuff)

I'm at the Middletown branch, manning the reference desk and an older gentleman comes in with his equally elderly wife. It is clear that they are both in their mid to late 80s. In addition, they are both incredibly country. The wife is wearing an actual nightgown, even though it's around 6 in the evening. She seems a little out of it, maybe just a bad case of old age or senility. Anyway, the guy comes up to the desk.

Old dude: Hello there son! I was wondering if you could help me.

Me: Well, I'll see what I can do.

OD: That's what I like to hear! I was hoping that you had a map of the area.

(This is not an uncommon request in Middletown. Most of the area lies on a flood plain for some of the rivers and people always want to check out the flood maps. Plus, since the area is growing and land values are at a premium, a lot of people come in to check out the Zoning.)

Me: Sure! What map are you looking for? Flood? Zoning? Census?

OD: I'm not exactly sure what exactly it would be labeled under.

Me: Well, what are you wanting to find out.

OD: You see, me and the wife have been bothered by the past couple of nights by the internet. It's so loud under the house that neither of us can sleep.

Me: (Baffled) What?

OD: You know, the internet. I can hear them all night long downloading pictures of nekkid women and lord knows what all else.

Me: (Very confused) So what kind of sound has it been making?

OD: I'm not a Gad-Dang spring pup that was just hatched under the turnip tree. I know what the internet sounds like. It sounds like the internet. The Internet! (Motioning to me like shaking his hands and repeating the phrase will make me remember the sound of the internet.)

OD's wife: (kinda absent-mindedly) we can't sleep. it's so loud.

Me: And you're sure it's under the house, not a neighbor or something?

OD: I know for a fact it's the internet. And I just wanted to see if you had a map of where all the internet is laid down in Middletown, cause I'm certain it's right underneath the house, but I don't remember them laying it down.

Me: (Slowly beginning to realize that he thinks the internet is laid underground like sewage or something) And you want a map of where all the internet was laid down?

OD: It couldn't of been too long ago. I know Middletown's a growing place, but people need to sleep. That internet's a distraction

Me: (Trying to think of a way to appease him) Well, I don't think we carry those kind of maps. I'm sorry.

OD: (Resigned himself to the fact that the internet will rob him of sleep) Well, come on mama (I'm fairly certain he meant that in the kind of way country folk do. No way on earth that was his mother. Or that his mother was still alive) They don't have a map of the internet here.

I took my break shortly afterwards.

Field Guide to Librarians

2007-08-27T22:27:00.000-05:00

So usually in these notes I detail my various experiences dealing with some of our more unique patrons. However, since the AC is out today, no one has really been coming in and word gets quickly around to the homeless and crazies that we aren't the coolest place in town. So instead I thought I should describe my co-workers in a guide which will better aclament you, the literate taxpayer, just who you are dealing with when you are damning us to hell for letting your 15 year old check out Harry Potter.

For the most part, librarians are female. Now, it's quite stereotypical to label them all "cat ladies." In all actuality, some of them only own 10 cats or less. I'm just kidding, but seriously, stereotypes have to come from somewhere. A more accurate description is that all librarians enjoy lolcats. I kid you not. If you look at any librarian's desktop, 9 times out of 10 you will see something from icanhascheezburger.com. Don't ask me how that despite coming from different socioeconomic backgrounds, everyone seems to find a picture of a kitten with the caption "OH LULZ INTERWEB DOWNS!! MONORAIL CAT TO TEH RESCUE!" the funniest thing they've ever seen and has to look at it everytime they try to log onto firefox.

Like I said, the vast majority of librarians are female, and there are various subgroups that comprise the gender. I shall attempt to detail some of the more common ones.

1. The Old Maid. These are generally your upper level librarians in managerial positions. They went to library school and have numerous upper level degrees in library science. In exchange for their commitment and hard work, they get a job with the government being a civil servant of the lowest order. They openly lust after the pay of teachers, which is pretty sad when you think about it. They have forgone marriage and having a family in order to nuture a branch from a sapling into a strong oak pillar of the community. In exchange the community uses the library for free internet and child care. However, to over-compensate for their poor judgment in life goals, they have put it upon themselve to be the wacky best buddies of everyone. Like a bizzaro Steve Carrell from The Office. Most often, this over-compensation manifests itself in a wacky hat or colorful flower print clothing. Their bubbly enthusiam is not phony, despite the appearence of it being so. They are genuinely excited to help out a patron and rave on and on about the latest library activity. This species is simular to the Children's Librarian, but not quite as patronizing. They often drive surprisingly fancy cars, such as Lexus' and Fiats. They also have incredilby photographic memories and can remember exactly what a patron checked out 3 years ago. They are usually fearful of computers and technology, preferring a card catalog and microfilm to the newfangled contraptions.

2. Children's Librarian. These are the library science students that joined the dark side by getting married and having children. Though many years have passed since they made that fateful decision, they are currently the overbearing grandparents of a whole brood. Their husbands usually own some sort of blue color buisiness, whose influence has afforded them a chance to live in the country, commuting great distances to work everyday. They are patronizing and they happen to know every single children's book ever published, ever. In addition, they have the annoying habit of refering to books as "Old Friends." A sample of their lexicon. (In a sing-songy Carol Channing voice) "Well, here's a book about a fire truck and the little boy who loves it. I know it may not be the newest book on the shelf, but it's one of my old friends! I know the pages may be a little ratty, but that means it's been loved by many, MANY children. I think it may have even won a Caldacott award! I'm sure that if you gave it a chance, it could become one of YOUR friends TOO!" In addition, they run Storytime, which is known to the workers at any library as "Hell Hour" due to the number of children running around, often pantless. However, this doesn't shake the Children's Librarian, who is overjoyed to see kids reading. They usually drive a old battered minivan, covered in American flag magnets and a bumper sticker annoucing to the world their grandchildren.

2a. Young Children's Librarian. A sub-species of the Children's Librarian, these are bright-eyed and hopeful young women who're fresh out from getting their master's. They are yet to be jaded by the world of libraries and are most often seen over-decorating the children's room for "Summer Reading" programs. They are without exception single, and dream of meeting their soulmate somehow through the library. However, as we will discuss later, this dream is mere fancy.

3. Young Adult Librarian. Ah, the hippest of the librarians. They are the most "with it" and are the most down with what all the "phat" kids are "jiggy" with. They know about anime and manga! Yes, you heard me correctly, manga! If you want the latest Ranama 1/2 book, they're the ones to go to. They often dress up for no apparent reason and are usually seen breaking the rules about reading at the library by busting out their copy of "His Dark Materials." You heard me right, they cosplay. They try to make up for their social awkwardness in high school by becoming equally awkward for a whole new generation. Whenever any sort of movie comes out that is remotely based on a book, they are the ones who champion its cause at various book talks throughout the high schools. Even for "Eragon" (which is a private joke among librarians. They love recommending it even though they'll freely admit it is one of the worst written books in the world. It's only one step about "Chewbacca comes to my school and beats up Todd the bully" fan-fiction). Still, they are the ones responsible for getting graphic novels and TV series DVDs put into circulation. They drive late model Kias and Hyndais, often with Sailor Moon decals.

4. Reference Librarians. Before we say anything else, they are smarter than you. They know everything. They know where every piece of knowledge is contained throughout numerous databases and tomes of enormous size, they only pretend to utilze these sources of data in a vain attempt to make mere mortals more comfortable with their omnipotence. They did not go to library science school, chosing instead more ancient and noble degrees in History and English lit. And as a result of their superior intellect and cunning, they are bored. But not just any kind of bored. The vast immeasure sense of ennui that comes only through transcending several layers of knowledge. Yes, they will help you find a book on Julius Caesar for your 7th grade social studies class, but they don't have to like you. They know that they resisted the dark side and chose not to go to law school or get their MBAs. No, they are much too good for that. They don't need money to inflate their fragile egos. They channel this boredom into trolling on websites, they are without a doubt the best at finding excellent website to waste long hours of the day. You can usually find them playing "Kingdom of Loathing" at their desk covered with action figures. If they could figure out a way to play "World of Warcraft" without losing their jobs, they would. To them, "Unshelved" is the funniest webcomic ever. They also like going on Mental Floss so they can read articles which they vainly hope will impress their ever dwendelling group of friends. They grow weary of your inane stupidity and are usually about this close from snapping. They drive Scions and Vespas, and like emo bands. In short, they very well be the worst breed. Unless you have a question which might tease their intellect, you are best to stay away.

5. Circulation Librarians. They are divorcees who need extra cash. Or retired teachers. They don't understand the new check procedures and revert back constantly to the old DOS system, even though the new GUI is much easier. They are neuortic, wear unfashionable glasses, and truly fit the embodiment of the "cat lady" persona. They are sticklers for regulation, not daring to bend the rules for anyone. And god forbid if you don't have your card. They have the most overt problems and mental shortcomings. They drive the car that their ex's new trophy wife didn't like

6. Hot Librarians. Sorry, they don't exist. In the realms of schoolboy daydreaming, there is the fantasy of the incredibly attractive librarian, who's pent-up sexual frustration has reached a boiling point and is about to take her hair down from that tight bun. Well, I'd hate to be the one to ruin it for ya, but that's about as a unlikely as a nurse wearing a garter belt to check on her comatose patient. In all my travels to the various librarians, I haven't seen many librarians who rate over a 6 in the ole "10-point scale." That being said, I have seen one that actually fit the description of attractive. However, the powers that be realize this fact and have condemned her to the archives room at one of the least visited libraries. So sorry boys, you probably should find another thing to lust over, like the new Halo 3 screenshots.

Now that we've covered the basics of female librarians, let's get to the minority of all minorites, the male librarians. There are 3 basic groups, each of is but a fraction of the actual librarians.

1. The Gay dude. Yeah, most male librarians are gay. Get over it. They're usually the most entertaining to be around if you're working a late shift. They're often funny, sarcastic, and always ready to go with a good quip. Kinda like Uncle Edwin from "Bewitched." They drive Volkswagons and BMWs.

2. The older black dude. These are the equivilent of having Lando Calrissian or Mace Windu check out your books. They are in their 40s to 60s and have seen it all. They bring their lunch in a Whole Foods bag. They call you "Young blood" as a compliment. They've seen the old days at the library and are glad to have the new technology appease the populace. They often sport quite impressive facial hair. They flirt shamelessly with attractive mothers who come in for storytime. In short, they are everything you've ever wanted to be, but aren't. Their coolness flows freely from their essence like fresh morning dew. They are somehow able to afford Hummers and Yukons even on a librarians salary. But no one needs to ask how, they're just cool like that.

3. The pale white kid. The complete opposite of Lando Windu working the counter, these dudes all have one thing in common, they are whipped. Bad. Usually to some girl who works as a YA librarian at some other branch that outweighs him by a weight class (I'm not saying the girls are fat, it's just these guys are all pasty whelterweights). They look like they've never seen the light of day and try to overcome their pale-esque appearance by growing patchy and pathetic attempts at facial hair. They are to pitied. They are in a constate state of engagement, never actually getting married, but never having the guts to call it off. They usually surf the web for Warhammer figurines and check out dating sites during the working day, never daring to attempt such a feat on their home computer where their king kong fiancee would beat the crap out of them even looking at another girl. They are usually a semester a way from starting Library Science school, mainly because their "beloved" is forcing them to go. Remember that girl in middle school who wasn't that pretty, but made good grades, all the teachers liked her, played trumpet in the school band, and wrote crappy stories about ponies? That's who they are engaged to. They don't drive cars because their significant others have deemed them unworthy to drive. You will often find them sadly eating their packed lunch in the break room since they can't be trusted to eat out for lunch.

4. Tony's. That's me! Um...do I really need to describe myself?

Finally, there is one more group that I must mention. Pages. Pages are overworked and overpaid. They are the kings of slacking off to check their facebooks and know the furthest limits of the internet filters. They are the ones to bear the vast majority of the grunt work, but are paid ridculous sums of money for their time. They are the most normal employees of the library, since they only work 2 hours a day and are using the experience to pad their college resumes. In addition, they are the only persons at the library to date, since their outrageous salaries coupled with no bills allows them a lavish lifestyle for a high school student.

So there you go. We aren't all crazy, we're just smarter than you. Too bad we never figured out a way to fully apply ourselves

Kaptain Kris and the Rapscallions of Riverview Round 2: Electric Bugaloo

2007-08-27T22:19:00.000-05:00

I've been back to Riverview a few times since my epic encounter with Lexie and Major League Baseball, but none have been all that memorable or interesting. Until today.

Today I was lucky enough to gain witness to a whole new classification of weirdo. And let me just say, the place was swarming with them. When I came in for my shift, I noticed a lot of jurorish people hanging around the periodicals. This is a trifle strange because for the most part, the homeless have claimed that territory for themselves, allowing the jurors limited usage of computers and restrooms. It's kinda like the Jets vs. the Sharks minus the dancing and inter-factional romances. Seeing a bunch of well dressed individuals in staunchly homeless lands was shocking. Had I really been gone so long that major lands had shifted ownership? Were the jurors really that far along in the neverending battle against the homeless? Had they actually succeeded in pushing the tide of the homeless back unto the second floor. Flabberghasted by what my eyes were seeing, I manned my station behind the desk and prepared myself for a dullfully draining day.

But then I started noticing the behavior of what I percieved as jurors. Upon further inspection, I found that the group only numbered 3 or 4. Judging by the ease in which a homeless person sat next to them, they were not jurors, rendering my turf war hypothesis useless. The pieces continued to click together by noticing that they were all women, young for the most part, and had on buisness suits. Not only that, they were looking through the classified ads of the paper. This was not unusual. The branch has an excellent career center and a lot of people come in looking for jobs. Thinking it was just a bunch of girlfriends who'd just graduated from the community college, I paid them little mind, only hushing them a few times when they got too loud.

As I dealt with the usual crowd of smell, mentally unbalanced homeless having problems with their Wal-Mart application. I noticed that the group of job searchers up front wasn't really moving, being content to pass the time talking slightly too loudly about their current work. Intermixed with the random dealings with patrons, I began to piece together a few more little tidbits about them. First off, their skirts were a little leggy, not exactly what you'd wear if you're trying to get an office job. By the same token, their heels were a smiggen too tall for being on the job hunt, or walking for that matter. I heard little bits of their conversation and heard the phrase "Gold Club." My inklings of suspecting something were confirmed when one of them came up and asked if the library was hiring and if she could get an application. This is asked at least once a day, usually by teenagers looking to become a page (I'm sure they heard how much they get paid for so little work). Being well rehearsed in what so say, I launched into my usual speech that she'd have to go on the County's website and fill out the proper forms. In addition, she'd have to take the appropriate section of the civil service test whenever it was next offered. She then asked if the job got good benefits. I honestly replied that any county job has ridiculously cushy government benefits and covers optical and dental. Pulling out a resume, she expressed that her old job didn't offer that many benefits. I refused the resume, since we don't take any, being that the process is all online. But I was able to scan the top and check out her last place of employment. Yep, she was a stripper.

Well, an ex-stripper to be fair. Her hair was two-toned between a bottled platinium blonde and her natural darker color. The manner in which her coat was cut allowed a glimpse (I don't know if it was intentional or not) of a flower tattoo of her chest. She then pulled out a few DVDs she wanted to check out and gave me her library card. I proceed to check out the stuff and noticed that her birthdate was only a few years before mine. Impressive, only 25 and already washed up as a stripper. She certainly didn't look 25. The caked-on make up and lines on her face from hard living made her look in her late 30s, maybe even early 40s. I'm not going to make judgements on her life based on her appearance regarding drug usage, but I wouldn't be surprised if she had engaged in such activities. After she got her 2nd Season of "24" checked out, one of her other ex-stripper buddies also came up with a few magazines checked out. This one was obviously younger, a quite a deal better looking. However, she was easily in her 2nd trimester, and I'm willing to bet that stripping gets a lot less lucrative when you're pregnant. A lot less make up and she had her natural hair color. After she got her things together, the two of them left with a third friend, who I never got a decent look at, but was dressed in simular attire, barely skanky clothes. I watched the three of them leave, all the while wondering how a pregnant woman waddles around in four-inch heels.

I thought nothing more of the situtation until 15 mintues later, when another ex-stripper type came in. She was joined by another, who entered in from a seperate door. Both of them presented applications and asked if the library was hiring. After giving my speech again, the two of them asked for a computer reservation and proceeded to get on monster.com

Now I know what you're probably thinking, "Um, it's downtown. It's not the nicest area. Those weren't strippers. Dude, those were hookers." And I'd have to tell you that no, those weren't prostitues. That's one of the interesting things about working around the very general public, you can pick out hookers. I've been around long enough to pick out the real "sex industry workers" from those who just take off their clothes for money.

Anyway, the "Strippers looking for work" is a new catagory of patron I'll have to learn how to deal with when I'm at Riverview. They seem nice enough and don't cause much trouble other than being ogled by all the homeless dudes. But then again, I'm sure they're used to being ogled at their old jobs.

But all this pales in comparison to the galant return of our old friend, smelly homeless person trying to get a library card. But here's a shocker, he actually had an ID. With a real address. That wasn't a shelter. He actually fit ALL the critera and got to finally get his hands on that plastic little card which had alluded him for presumably years. After finally getting it, he feigned asking if the library was open on Saturdays, which he already knew it was since he's hung out here all day for geographical eras. I told him that it indeed was open on Saturdays and he makes this memorable comment: "Really? That's neat. I was just noticing how nice and air conditioned this place was and it seems like a great place to get out of the heat. I may have to come by and just hang out here for an afternoon. Maybe even get on a computer." Okay, never mind the fact that he's advertising that he's going to loiter, and that most buildings are air conditioned; he just pretended to plan to do something for the first time that he's been doing everytime I come by this library. It'd be like me saying "You know what might be fun? I've heard about this iPod thing. Maybe I'll put some headphones on and listen to it. Who knows, I might even listen to rap music for the very first time when I do so." HE'S A REPEAT OFFENDER!!! Dude, nobody has ever said anything about you hanging out in the library before so don't even bother making up a story that it's going to be your first time.

On a sadder note, one of the more interesting patrons, if not the most interesting patron, I've ever had to deal with came by today. Yes, I'm talking about "Major League Baseball." What's sad about her little visit was that she wasn't crazy. In the least. She just returned a pencil (which is shocking at any branch. Pencils never get returned by anyone. Ever.) and thanked us for letting her borrow it. She then walked out the door. She wasn't wearing her goggles or ranting about how she was being poisoned. Even though I was kinda relieved to have her not cause a scene, it made me wonder what happened to her. Did MLB finally get to her? Or was it Oschner that beat them too it? She didn't seem overly medicated. But I am certain it was her. Alas, we can only hope craziness is like a hydra, and that two more will take her place.

EDIT

Why do I invite myself to insane people by openly asking for another crazy person to entertain me? Not even ten minutes after I posted this note, a woman comes in with a more impressive 5 o'clock shadow then I could grow in 3 months and goes "Inquiriy. Where is the State Capital and the book on witchcraft? I don't know who I am." Of course I am struck silent by the question and just kind of stare. Once again, she goes, "Inquiriy. Where is the State Capital and the book on witchcraft? I forgot who I am." She repeat this several times as if after she 10 times of repeating the same question, I could finally be able to translate the crazy talk and inform her exactly who she is. Finally one of the regulars notices what's going on and goes "Well, the State Captial is right outside those doors." And then crazy lady goes "Can you believe I forgot who I was?" And then just walks out, happy as a clam.

Frightening yet kinda sad.

Maybe he really is a Ninja

2007-08-27T22:02:00.000-05:00

So I was driving through the Pit to get to the Washington Branch and I saw the Cajun Ninja booking it across the ledge in front of the library. I mean, he was really running. Fast, even. And while he's running full blast, he gets to the end of the ledge, where there's a 3 foot drop onto concrete. Not missing a beat, he proceeds to do a triple jump, ending in a front flip landing on the concrete, and keeps running. I don't know if he knew if anyone was watching or if he did it all the time. Needless to say, I was impressed.

Tiny Pet Peeve

2007-08-27T21:57:00.000-05:00

So today I was at Paradise Plaza, which is a nice enough branch. The fun personalities of the people there balance out the drudgery of the work admirably. So today was a rather short and uneventful day. Since I'm not at that library enough to really know their cast of characters, I wasn't able to get in on the continuing adventures of their wackos. It's actually a pity that it's so rarely used since it's the newest library and has the best equipment. Hell, it even has wi-fi. But no, I don't suppose the homeless people and weirdos know enough about the branch's existence to warrant visiting there on a regular basis.

Like I said, the staff at Paradise is a great bunch. They fit all my librarian stereotypes to an uncomfortable T. It's always good to be called "young blood" by a guy who used to sub for me in high school. It makes time go by faster to man the reference desk when you know you're surrounded by a colorful cast of characters.

But, work is not just hanging out with co-workers, no there are patrons to appease and give computer reservations in order to pacify them for the time being. It's not as bad as some of the other branches. Actually, some of the kids seem to be fairly computer literate and knew how to use the print management system (An honest shock. The rebuilding of New Orleans after Katrina is further along then the implientation of the new awful printing system. But that's a longer post for another time) But seeing as school had just started a week ago, I got a lot of questions about school books and research topics. However, most of them had to do with one topic: Summer Reading.

Now I could understand if it was some enterprising kid who had delayed the inevitable by putting off summer reading all summer and was struggling to cram it all in. But no. These are parents. Parents coming up to me, shoving a reading list in my face, and demanding which books are the shortest. I'm sorry, but didn't you care about your child's scholastic achievement, i dunno, maybe a few months ago, in the SUMMER?!?!?! Page count means nothing at this stage in the game, you're just screwed. Back when I had required summer reading, my parents made sure that I got started on it at an early enough date that I wouldn't have to wait until mid- to late August to get it done. And I know a lot of those books I had to read sucked and I barely remember them now, but you better know that on the first day of class, I was able to ace that quiz testing if I'd done the reading.

The thing I find most amazing is that these people are shocked, SHOCKED, I tell ya, that the book that's been on the summer reading list for the entire county is checked out and there's a waiting list!??!?! You mean there are equally irresponsible parents that have putting it off as long as I have!?!?! And then they get the gall to demand me to check it again, as if I would be like "Oops, you got me. I'm a jackass. I get off on withholding stuff from people. I've got a whole slew of copies of 'The Lightning Thief' under my desk because I was testing you." I mean, most of those books (The previously mentioned 'Lightning Thief,' 'Blood Red Horse' and 'Basketball or Something Like It') we don't even bother looking it up in the system. Why? WHY?!??! BECAUSE WE'VE FRAKING HEARD FRAKING 3 MILLION FRAKING PEOPLE DEMANDING THOSE FRAKING BOOKS ALL FRAKING SUMMER AND WE FRAKING KNOW THERE'S A FRAKING LONG WAIT! Jeez. Give us some credit.

And my favorite part of the entire equation is when they get desperate and start asking where they can get a copy cause their kid needs it tomorrow. First off, those lists were given out in May, so don't act so surprised. Secondly, don't be offended when I suggest trying Barnes and Noble or Amazon. People have it in their head that book stores are our enemies and the library will close if they start buying books. Two words: Government Funding. As long as you draw breath, we will get paid. But by the same token, you don't give us money directly, so we don't have to give you the book right then and there. Didn't you idiots ever see "Reading Rainbow?" It's called a Free Library. And if it's free, you've got no right to complain.

Anyway, in closing: Paradise Plaza is underrated, summer reading should be done in the summer, and for the last time, we don't have any copies of bloody "Cottonmouth Club"!!!

Should I call Boystown?

2007-08-27T19:49:00.001-05:00

Kid of about 10 comes up to the circulation desk.

Kid: "um...yeah...this is kind of a strange question since you're a library and all. But, uh, where is your death section"

Me: (baffled) "Excuse me?"

Kid: "Yeah. You know, books on death."

Me: (trying to understand) "Are we talking fiction or non-fiction?"

Kid: "I dunno."

Me: "Are you looking for CSI-type stuff or like a scary story?"

Kid: "It's for a class assignment. I have to bring in a book about death. So where's the section?"

Me: "Um...well, there's a horror section."

Kid: "Is that about death?"

Me: "I'm sure that death's an element."

Kid: "Okay, as long as there's death in it."

Me: (Points him in the direction of the YA horror section)

Kid: "Thanks. You ought to put in a death section though"

Me: "I'll bring it up"

Kaptain Kris versus Pus Man and the Cajun Ninja

2007-08-27T19:35:00.001-05:00

(Note: these did not all happen today, I'm just incorporating old posts from other sites to build up the blog)

So my day is barely half over and I've got an astonishing amount of library persons in a relative short amount of time.

Today I am at the Washington branch, which is located in an area of town known as "The Pit." Geographically speaking, it's the area inbetween UBC and downtown. It's not the worst area in terms of crime, but it's up there in regards to poverty. While not as inviting as the Riverview to the homeless population, it still gathers a surprisingly high number of interesting individuals.

The vast majority, and I mean the VAST majority of patrons are kids under the age of 13 who use the library as a sort of computer fun world. Since it's the summer and they aren't in school, by default, they go and hang out at the library. However, since there are so many of them, the computers begin to get in short supply, resulting in rowdiness and general fighting. Those that are on a computer usually try to go to Bebo, which is blocked, and then compromise by getting on music sites and blasting it to the max in their headphones. This causes much distraction to other patrons since the library is supposed to be a place of quiet. Yet, since the kids are deaf due to their prolonged exposure to music cranked all the way up to 11, attempts to tell them to be quiet or turn it down are fruitless. One kid in particular, who I have named Deafy McDeaferson, has been here every time that I've worked at the Washingon Branch, from open to close. He is the worst offender to the "turning up music til your ears bleed" rule. Even worse, he always chooses crappy local myspace music, the type that have serious sound editing problems, so in addition to the sheer volume, you are offended by the poor job done by the sound mixer and the fact that the beat keeps changing. (I swear, this one song had at least 10 time signature changes during a single verse. How the hell is anyone supposed to rap over that?)

As many of them as there are, it's not the kids that make Washington unique or different. No, it's the Washington street people, who are a completely different breed than your average downtown homeless. A prime example was this man who came in this morning to print out something from the computer. He came to where I was working at the reference desk and asked why nothing was printing for him. This was an understandable question since the library switched over to a new printing system which requires patrons to set up an account. It's fairly complicated to set up, but once it's done, print jobs are a snap and the patron no longer has to pay for copies or print outs. But this guy was having a problem setting his up, which most patrons have had, so I went over to see if I could help him get it done.

As I approach the printer where the touch screen console is giving this guy grief, a pugnent aroma fills my nostils. This guy smells. Bad. But it's a new type of stench, one that I haven't smelled yet from a homeless person. In my experience, most homeless people either smell like they haven't had a bath in a very long while or some sort of substance (liquor, pot, etc.) But this guy reeked of pus. That's right, pus. Like he was currenting harboring a giant festering infection. It was the second worst thing I've ever smelled in my entire life. And then he opened his mouth to talk to me and that's when the worst thing I've ever smelled in my life hit me, his breath. In addition to the horrendous pus smell, his breath had just a hint of rotten eggs and foot fungus. Trying my best to breathe through my mouth and not vomit. I start to run the guy through the steps to create an account. So we get to the part where he has to put in the first 4 letters of his last name. I prompt him to do so, and he goes "Lockhart, H-A-R-T." As you might expect, it doesn't work. So again it comes up to put in the first 4 letters, and I tell him "You need the first four letters, so L-O-C-K." and he goes "I'm not stupid! I know how to spell my own damn name! H-A-R-T!" and surprise, surprise, it doesn't work. His response "DAMMIT!" Once again, the accursed last name prompt reappears and I tactfully go "Well, sometimes the touch screen can be fickle, let me try. Your last name is Lockhart?" To which replies, "Yes. Spelled H-A-R-T." I type in L-O-C-K and what do you know, it lets him through. He finally gets his print job and goes back to the computers, where the sounds of "Ima Money Hu$tla" by MC Random MySpace Rapper are causing vibrations to be felt on the reference desk.

But that's not the end of Pus-Man. He comes back to the references desk and starts ranting at me that I'm not going to get my inherentence on July 31st because I haven' t been taking away people's print jobs. In addition he pulls out the pages he printed, which he claims are legal documents that make him the heir of the huge sum of $17,000, which I'm not going to get because I didn't do something with the printer. He's not mad that I'm robbing him of his inhertence. No, he's ranting cause I'm robbing myself. In a final act of defiance, he slams his fist down on the reference desk, which leaves a small pool of sweat/pus/some body fluid I don't even want to know about. I try my best to clean the fluid puddle and spray the area with lysol, but the aromatic gift he left me still stinks as I type this.

As interesting as Pus-Man was, he wasn't the most memoriable person at the library today. No, that honor belongs to a man who I shall call the Cajun Ninja. I've gotten pretty good at recongizing the relative craziness of a person as they walk through the door. For the most part, everyone who comes in is a mentally healthly, ordinary individual. But when someone comes in wearing a painters mask and goggles, you make a mental note that "Hey, this person isn't all there in the head. I might need to keep an eye on them and make sure they don't cause too much trouble." So around 10 this morning, a stereotypical Cajun looking dude comes in, a young guy, maybe a few years older than me. I didn't think too much about it until I took a closer look. My first clue of his wackiness was the fact his hair was up in a top-knot. And then I noticed that he wasn't wearing shoes, just black slippers. I notice that these slippers have a split-toe design. Then I fully realized that he was wearing an all-black homemade ninja gi, complete with a cod-piece cover supported by safety pins. He goes and gets on a computer. About an hour later he comes up and asks me if we have any books on pressure points of the human body or ninjitsu. I do a general search and tell him the call number where books on that subject would be found. Granted, Washingtonh is a small library and the selection wouldn't be that great, but there's a few books on Karate and other martial arts. I showed them where they were. He bowed and went on his way.

Or so I thought. About 5 minutes later, he comes back and says that there weren't any books about pressure points, and he really needs them because he's studying to become a ninja. And that he's been training since he's been 2 years old, but his training really started when he was still in the crib, watching ninja movies. Apparently his teacher is his step-father, who was the first white man to become a master at ninjistu. The style that he practices is called "Swamp Gator" Ninja style since and I quote "it gives him the strength and agility of a tiger." He then asks if I'm into Martial Arts, to which I honestly reply that I really Kung-Fu movies, but I'm not a practioner. I mentioned that I recently saw some stuff with Tony Jaa in it and it impressed me. To which my new ninja friend replies that martial arts movies give you some of the best instruction and that his dad beat Tony Jaa in a ninja sparring match. Never mind that Tony Jaa is a Muay Thai kick-boxer and has no connection to Japan, Boudreaux-san's dad kicked his ass with his Tiger speed from Swamp Gator style. After showing him a few books on human anatomy, which had some information on pressure points, he says that he wishes that he could use his martial arts knowledge to protect himself but that "The BCPD won't let me due to all the assassinations." I give a quizzical look at the assassinations claim and he responds "Oh yeah, (Names 3 very much alive local politcal personalities) and Ron Howard. That was all me. But don't tell anyone." (Let alone that all of these individuals are still alive. Maybe he's got a vendetta against Southern politicians and the stars of "Happy Days") He then gave a bow and asked where on the internet he could find out about ninja weapons. I told him that I couldn't think of any sites right off the top of my head, but a google search should help him get some ideas. He bows again and asks if the main library has more books on martial arts. I told him that the main library is much larger and would have lots more books than the Washington branch would. He then bows again, much lower and thanks me for all my help. He then proceeds to rise back up, spin, give a little flying leap, and starts to kinda "Ninja run" while ducking out the door. Like I said. It's its own brand of crazy.

EDIT

The Cajun Ninja came back! I suppose some of his ninja training must be legit because I didn't see him come in the door, all the sudden he appeared at a computer several hours after vanishing from the library via ninja sprint. He was searching cosplay sites, and major shocker here, he was looking for ninja pictures. He also informed me that he finally found a website detailing the pressure points of the human body. He kept to himself for the rest of his session, but I was able to look at his cosplay browsing, which quickly took a turn for the bizzare when he discovered pictures of female cosplayers. One in particular he became enamored of. She was dressed as the character Starfire from the anime "Teen Titans." I knew this fact not because I've ever watched the show, but by the fact that the theme music was blaring in his headphones, which was a welcome change from MC Myspace. After picking out a few pictures that he liked, he proceeded to prep them for printing, but before doing so, he added his own hysterical twist.

He wrote poetry on top of them.

Yes, he wrote poems professing his undying love for the character and by proxy, the girl dressed up as her. I knew the subject matter of the poem not because I was looking over his shoulder, even though it wouldn't have been too hard since he was using something like size 20 font. No, he was reading and rereading it aloud to himself. Now, i'm sure in his mind, he was speaking quietly, not daring to let the world in on his unrequited love. But his private infatuation was ruined by the fact that the volume of the "Teen Titans" theme song forced him to speak over it. What came out was a blurring and slurring of his love note coupled with a very repetative theme song. It sounded a little something like this:

Cajun Ninja: "From star light afar, you came to set my heart..."
Music: "Go Teen Titans! Go Tee.."
Cajun Ninja: "...nd yet my heart is presented unto you, if only you'd..."
Music: "Aaaaaaaa! Teen Titans! Go Teen Titans!"
Cajun Ninja: "...ttom of my ninja loins..."Music: "...een Titans!"

Finally, after it looked like the rest of the computer users were about to actually die of laughter (which luckily he never heard. I'd hate to be the subject of another one of his assassinations) I asked him to turn down his volume a tad. He bowed and complied. Soon after, he printed out his poetic masterpiece, along with pictures of an underaged cosplayer in revealing clothing, and left the library. However, instead of throwing down a smoke bomb or anything, he simply walked out the door, with no flurish of ninja skill.

I either get paid too much or too little for this job

Kaptian Kris and the Raging Rapscallions of Riverview

2007-08-27T19:10:00.001-05:00

So usually my library job is fairly predictable and quite boring. I show up, I check out books, I look up information, I check my mail way too often, I make the rounds of the usual bored out of my gourd websites (fark, the onion, wikipedia). After all is said and done, I go home and I get paid for my trouble. It's not like I have a problem in getting paid for not doing anything, quite the contrary, I feel like it's the only way to work. I pity people who's jobs are action packed and require constant attention.

But today, I earned my keep.

I had never been to the Riverview Branch before. It's a rather small library in size, despite having 4 stories. In addition, its location in downtown Big City coupled with a lack of parking make its patrons either one of two types of people, with very little exception.

First you have your government workers. They usually come from the nearby courthouse or law offices. They don't require much attention. Usually they pick up holds they had sent from other libraries or see what DVDs are availible. In the same ilk, you have the jurors, who come here almost directly from the subway next door and instantly begin to violate the law by talking about the case.

The rest of the patrons are various homeless or other sorts of street people. Not really much of a problem there. The majority are just happy for an air conditioned place to hang out during the heat of midday. Most like to read the newspaper or surf the internet. A few even take advantage of the career center and try and find work for the day. There's also a lot of people from various shelters who try and make better of themselves by utilizing the facilities. For the most part, everyone keeps to themselves and things run smoothly. We are a government agency for the people and we try to be as inclusive as possible. It's part of the job desciption and I don't think too much is strange about it.

But today we had two interesting individials who did not fit into these nice cliched roles.

The first was a budding policitian who had a magnificant beard and an even more impressive odor. He came in once to inform us of his new platform for his run at the governor's office. He then left shortly thereafter. He then came in again to present a list of various asian dictators and mafia figures. He asked for some research on the names. Thinking not too much of it, in addition to being informed by the regular staff of his habits, I proceeded to a nice nostolgic trip down EBSCOHost to look up biographies. He came back, with his odor informing me that he had returned, took the printed out sheets, thanked me, and left. I was later told that he had indeed filled out the paperwork to run for governor and his name would actually appear on the ballot this November.

The second was a bit more distressing and weird. A woman came in dressed in a business suit and proceeded to ask for a computer reservation. At first glance, she would appear to be just another office worker coming in on her lunch break, but the goggles and painter's mask betrayed her appearance. She went to the 3rd floor, but came back a few minutes later visuably distrubed. She complained of the odor on the elevator, which in of itself is not uncommon, the place does smell. But then she claimed that there were only men and children on the 3rd floor. Not only that, but the computer kicked her off. And even beyond that, she was being poisoned. You see, there was a conspiracy against her, a retired government worker, and they wanted to poison her because she was an original resident of Big City, even though she had lived in Los Angeles for the past several years. There had already been an attack on her this morning when a car tried to hit her. Then at UBC (University of Big City), she had been attempted to be poisoned for the first time. The branch head listened to her ramblings, being very agreeable, until the woman finally decided to leave and report the whole matter to the police. She left and we all were relieved, since according to the regulars she had never acted this unstable before.

Then she came back.

Only I noticed her entrance, the rest of the staff was busy with other people. I tried informing my co-workers that she was back, but no one seemed to acknowledge the breth of that information. She got on a computer and started to type furiously.

Then the screaming started.

She screamed. A deep primal scream. A scream that was unignorable. The type of scream that says "hey, you thought I didn't make sense before, just watch how nonsensical I can get." After the inital scream, she began to yell "It's a conspriacy! I'm being poisoned like a man! They are treating me just like a man!" Needless to say, the other patrons were alarmed, to say the least. She got up and began her triade again, this time including new information. Such as the fact that her father was one of the first blacks to graduate UBC law. And that she had been thrown off a bus twice and she had the pictures to prove it. And that she was a Big City native and there had been a conspiracy to get rid of these native Big Cityians so Major League Baseball could turn UBC into a pro team. And since her father was an UBC law grad, she was one of the most important people to get rid of. And that she was being raped and sexually assulted by the men sitting next to her at the computer. Plus, did she mention she was a retired government worker that was being poisoned? And MLB wanted to turn UBC into a pro team? She finally left, this time to hide from Shriner's clinic, who wanted to take her away. And the Shriner's clinic wanted to lock her up and poison her.

As part of security procedures, I had to go over to her computer and log out of her session, as well as patrol the area for any other things that might of set her off. I tried my best to keep a straight face, but I totally lost it when I saw the internet item that set her off. She had tried a MSN search for the following item:"Who is (Her name, withhheld for privacy reasons by myself) the daughter of a Korean War Vet who was the first black at UBC, used to live in Los Angeles but is a native of Big City and was attacked by being thrown off a bus in 1999 even though she is a retired government worker getting poisoned by Major League Baseball" (Verbatium, I swear. You can't make this stuff up)

And yet, this didn't seem to phase the staff in the least. They just treated it like a normal day and commented that I was no longer a "Riverview Virgin." No, I most certainly am not.

Things I do on Taxpayer money

2007-08-27T19:02:00.000-05:00

Since I took the job as a Librarian, I've gotten many things, such as a nice salary and more cushy benefits than you can shake a stick at. In exchange, here's all the things I do for you, the literate tax payer.
-Endlessly wiki articles
-Edit wiki articles
-Endlessly check my mail
-Make fun of the books you check out
-Make fun of your kids
-Research Wii games
-Prevent the best DVDs and Books from getting on the shelves because I already checked them out
-Research random @$$ history topics
-Doodle-
Check out the ever increasing wait list for the new Harry Potter book
-And rarely, I get to assist a patron

That's your money at work.