Wherein I Discover a New Stench

At the New Belfast branch, where one of the few patrons I remember from that area has a brand new and offensive odor. Granted, it's not quite on the level of Pus-Man, but it's pretty dang close.

So this kid, notorious for being a pesky patron, comes up to me at the reference desk and asks to get a computer reservation. I wouldn't call this child a "problem patron," he's just rather annoying. Harmless stuff for the most part, though he tries on a regular basis to apply for a new library card even though he already has one laden with fees. I've crossed paths with him at the New Belfast branch before, mainly for wanting a computer reservation and extension on his computer time for several hours.

Anyway, it's about 12:30 in the afternoon when he approaches my desk. (My first thought was that he should be in school, but I remembered that it's early dismissal for the rest of the week due to final exams) And he asks for an extension on his computer time. I inquire as to what computer he is on, and he informs me that he hasn't gotten on one yet, he just wants to get a couple of hours blocked off. And then the smell hits me.

It's a terrible scent. He had already consumed several low-quality lollypops and other sticky candies. In addition, he was at the point in his puberty existence where he desperately needed deodorant, but no one had the gall to tell him so. So he smells like pre-teen fonk, and artificial sweetener. I mean, it's terrible. It almost smells like those "all-natural" sweeteners that come in a vial and are used in conjunction with an eye-dropper that you can find at Whole Foods. Just a really fake sugary scent. And the kid keeps eating candy. Even after I tell him that food and drink are not allowed in the library, he rolls his eyes and pulls out another Dum-Dum. He even poaches a near-by trash can and places it under his desk, presumable to be the graveyard for his fake sugar addiction. Plus, he feels the need to keep coming to the desk every 5 minutes to ask for more time on the computer, even though he had 45 minutes left on his time. I honestly had to stop myself from throwing up every time he left, disappointed since I didn't give him a 4 hour extension.

Then he comes up to me and asks me to smell something. Sight unseen. I refuse, obviously. He shrugs and then pulls out a giant stick of BRUT deodorant, which he clearly hadn't been using. After this revealing, he leaves the library. I still haven't tried to touch his chair, which I'm sure is still sticky with low-quality candy residue

A Horrific Discovery

Today, while at the Taylor Branch, I discovered that during my tenure working for the library, I have inadvertantly learned the Dewey Decimel system well enough to tell patrons where books are with having to look them up.

I am greatly depressed

Rhino Fanhood

So the entire population of Big City has gone crazy as of late due to the exploits of our beloved "Rampaging Rhinos" of UBC. Despite a relatively disappointing football season, the Rhinos have somehow landed themselves into a fairly big name bowl game. This action has caused all of the Rhino faithful to collectively lose their minds. In particular, the search for bowl game tickets has reached a fevered pitch, with rumors of tickets being enough to cause widespread rioting. I'm at the New Belfast branch, (which isn't even remotely near UBC's campus) working reference when I get this call:

Me: "New Belfast Library, reference desk, may I help you?"

Insane Rhino Fan: "Yeah, I was calling about getting some tickets to the Kiwi Bowl."

Me: "Um...I think you might have the wrong number, sir"

IRF: "This is the library, right?"

Me: "Yessir"

IRF: "Part of the Big City County Library system?"

Me: "That is correct"

IRF: "Well, I heard you had tickets!"

Me: "I'm sorry, but the library doesn't sell tickets. Perhaps you had us confused with UBC's Library?" (I mean, hey, it's worth a shot. I'm sure they're much more accustomed with people calling for football tickets than we are and probably know who to call to for ticket information)

IRF: "I already called them. They said they didn't have any!"

Me: "okay..." (Very confused)

IRF: "Aren't you a government agency? Shouldn't you have tickets for sale?" (Logic! I think he figured us out. Since UBC and the library both get their money from the state, they both offer the same services. It makes perfect sense! Just like hanging out in the library for 4 years can get you a diploma from UBC)

Me: "I'm sorry, but the library doesn't sell tickets."

IRF: (Exasperated) "Well, do you know where I can get tickets?"

Me: "I'm fairly certain UBC already sold out of their allotment of tickets. You might want to try the internet or ebay, but it's going to be a lot higher than face value. (Like I said, EVERYONE is trying to get a ticket.)

IRF: "I figured as much. That's why I was hoping to try out the library first, before I checked online. Cause the library would have them for free, just as long as I had my card. I mean, I just paid off my account"

Me: (Head exploding) "Wha???..." (pieces of brain mold back together) "No sir, I'm sorry, the library doesn't get any free tickets."

IRF: "Well, thanks anyway. Ebay, you said?"

Me: "That'd be your best bet"

I think the library is missing out on its true calling for being a ticket broker where John Q. Patron can get free tickets for major sporting events just by having a clear account. I mean, that's REALLY serving the community.

That being said, Go Rhinos!

A Long Time Ago in a Library Far, Far Away

At the Paradise Plaza branch, where a dude comes in to get a library card. I give him the required forms and ask for his ID, as per regulations. I notice his middle name, "Kenobi." I thought that was kind strange. And then his first name, "Obi-Wan."

Yes, his real name was Obi-Wan Kenobi Smith. I asked if that was his birth name or if he got his named changed. He informed me that it indeed was the name he was born with. He was born in July of 1980. I think it's pretty clear what movie his parents were watching that summer.

(Note: His name wasn't actually Obi-Wan Kenobi Smith, his name has been changed to protect his privacy. But I swear it was another easily idenifiable "Star Wars" name.)

The Most Adorable Question Ever

This just happened not even two minutes ago. A kid comes up to me at the New Belfast location, all wided eyed:

Kid: "Can I read a book here?"

Me: "Yes, you most certainly can."

Kid: "And I can take one off the shelf and read it?"

Me: "Yes."

Kid: "Any book? Not just in the kid's section?"

Me: "If you think you can read it, you are more than welcome to try any book you want."

Kid: "In the WHOLE library?"

Me: "Yup"

Kid: (Big look of amazment) "Wooooow!"

So yeah, my faith in the future of humanity has been restored a little bit.

The Great Bird Poop Adventure

This happened to me a while ago. But since I recently found out that people are actually reading this blog (and that I didn't get into trouble over the incident) I feel that now is as good of time as any to retell this tale.

So I'm sitting at the Youth Services desk at Longshore, happily typing away when I get a phone call from the front desk. They say that they have a call to transfer to me. I answer and it's the Middletown Branch, wondering where the heck I am.

I went to the wrong branch and nobody noticed until 2 hours after the fact.

So I semi-panic. I mean, I was the one who misread the schedule in the first place and went to the wrong branch on the wrong day. What was really amusing is that the people at Longshore didn't realize I wasn't supposed to be there. They were just happy to get another worker (since all libraries are understaffed) and didn't ask too many questions about how it happened.

Anyway, after swearing to the branch head in Middletown that I was about to speed over the considerable distance between Longshore and Middletown, I get off the phone and inform the staff at Longshore that I'm at the wrong branch and I have to get on over to Middletown before I get fired or something (not exactly a real fear, but this is my first major goof in six months on the job and they're all disappointed that their lunch shifts are in disarray since I was going to provide backup. I find the whole situation rather amusing. I mean, I'm laughing at myself for having tons of egg on my face.

As I rush out to the parking lot, preparing to jump into my car "Dukes of Hazzard" style. I feel something kinda splat against my head. That's right, a bird pooped in my hair. This just topped off the whole experience in craziness.

So I arrive at Middletown, after breaking several speed limits and semi-succeeding in removing most of the bird poop from my hair. I throw open the doors, gasping with apologies for the staff and patrons for my tardiness.

And surprise surprise, the place is beyond dead. We get a grand total of maybe 40 patrons for the rest of the day.

I wonder if Bird Poop counts as getting your hair highlighted?

The Reason We Keep Hand Sanitizer at the Desk

So I'm working at the Buffalo branch. It's been a quite and rather dull day, not too many people coming in.

A woman approaches the circulation desk with a pile of books, DVDs, and other check outable materials. I don't pay too much attention as she puts the stuff down and prepares to pull out her library card. I take my eyes off her for just a second as I switch my computer into "check out" mode. In this miniscule moment of time, she gets her library card and hands it to me. I notice it's a little moist, but don't think too much of it as I scan her card and hand it back to her.

Then she puts it back in her bra. As in, she keeps her library card by her bosom.

I am greatly grossed out.