They Do Both Share a Last Name

So I feel I should reveal a bit more about one of the system's continual, but not exactly problematic patrons.

His name is Mr. Butkis. Richard Butkis to be exact. He's a large fellow who used to terrorize offensive linemen back in the day, but has since retired to Big City and has mellowed out considerably. (Note: He's not Dick Butkis, but sure looks like him and has a stored past in football)

Mr. Butkis has a habit of showing up at various libraries throughout the system to check out CDs. I have no idea why he travels around town so much, except for the hypotheses that he's bored in retirement or has a part-time job which allows him to wander around Big City. Regardless, at any given library, on any given day, Mr. Butkis is apt to show up with a large pile of Jamiroquai and Velvet Revolver. He also has really weird and varied tastes, but always feels the need to explain to me his choices, as well as random trivia about the artists which may or may not be true.

Of course, my connection to Mr. Butkis goes a bit deeper than recongizable mobile patron. I suppose I should share some personal information. You see, not only did I teach Mr. Butkis' younger son for a while, but attended both middle and high school with his daughter, Richette. I was also in the same drama program with Richette for eons, and Mr. Butkis always showed up for preformances.

I also had a massive crush on Richette for a good 5 years.

Of course, it ended poorly. She didn't share my feelings, but I was smitted. I also never made a move because her dad was the size of a muscular refrigerator and could play me like an accordian.

But Mr. Butkis never knew of my unrequited emotions towards Richette, so he just considered me an acting chum who always got cast along side his daughter.

Anyway, I had dealt with Mr. Butkis several times before he asked me where he knew me from. He guessed a football camp, then another classmate, before finally realizing my identity as Tony Kris. He hadn't seen me in a good 5 years or so, and he looked much smaller (combination of him losing mass over the years and me growing to 6'3).

Anytime he comes in, he makes it a point for me to check him out, and feels the need to give me a lengthy update on Richette's recent doings. I seriously think he would destroy me if he ever found out I would have killed somebody for some of his daughter's old bathwater back in the day. (Hyperbole, but you get the idea)

So here's the last conversation we had, at the Longshore branch: (I could do a whole series on Mr. Butkis' exchanges)

Mr. Butkis: "Andy Kris! How goes it today?"

Me: "Not too bad sir. Yourself?"

Mr. Butkis: "Well, I'm feeling some Kanye, REO Speedwagon, and No Doubt today. Get a little bit of a Chi-town flow going down!" (I wasn't aware all of these artists were from Chicago. Also, Mr. Butkis is a white dude in his 60s)

Me: "Oh, is that so?"

Mr. Butkis: "Did you know that Kanye West's biological father is Cornel West? I just found that out."

Me: (Knowing this is pefectly bogus) "Wow"

Mr. Butkis: "It makes sense if you compare Kanye's first album and his dad's second book. Some of the passages overlap" (Stand back "Dark Side of the Moon" and "Wizard of Oz"! Kanye and Cornel have got you beat!)

Me: "I'll have to try it."

Things Which Cannot Be Unseen

Working at the Washington Branch, which I usually greatly enjoy. However, due to a massive staffing shortage, everyone working was not a regular. To add to the bizzareness, my supervisor (Ms. Bunny) was also working the desk that day. (Note: Ms. Bunny is aware of my blog.)

Anyway, about 15 minutes prior to closing my supervisor comes up to me and goes:

Ms. Bunny: "So, what's your tolerance to grossness?"

Me: "I'm not sure but I think it's about to be tested"

Ms. Bunny: "Come see"

Someone had returned a bag filled with books. And said books were COVERED in maggots.

Maggots.

Teeny, tiny, itty bitty writhing white grubs. Ms. Bunny and another supervisor spent a great deal of time cleaning and disinfecting the area. Did I mention there were maggots?

Sadly, my immediate exclamation after seeing this disgusting sight?

Me: "Oh man, this is SO getting blogged about!"

Timberland and Magoo

This past Friday, I got the pleasure of serving at the Timberland branch. I've never really mentioned them before, mainly because I never go there. Timberland is an affluent area of Big City, and happens to be one of the system's busier branches. And boy did I learn that.

I worked Circ, and the books never stopped coming. Ever...

For hours at a stretch I was dumb-struck by the massive amounts of books coming through the drop box. I asked a page if it was always this busy. To which she replied:

Overworked Page: "Hmph! Just be glad it's the weekend and one of our slow days"

However, my time at the Timberland branch was not just spent underneath piles of books. I also had a very interesting patron come in.

It's about 15 minutes to closing and I'm working the Check-Out station. Things are slowing down, most of the patrons have already left (It is Friday night) and I just got the go ahead from the branch head to shut down the check out desk. Until this ole sourpuss comes up.

I'm not going to say she's one of our "special" patrons, I truly think she was just a mean looking woman with a nasty dispostion. She comes up to the desk, doesn't say a word to me, and slams down a humongous stack of pencils. I didn't even bother trying to talk to her for the sake of my soul.

Without acknowledging me, she reaches for the electric pencil sharpener and begins to sharpen pencils. She's got about 50.

So here's the situation: I'm held hostage by Magoo. (I think the title of my post gives it away, but I'm curious if anyone gets the reference) And the branch head is wondering about my lack of compliance to their direction.

Timberland Branch Head: "Tony! I thought I told you to shut it down. It's almost time to go"

Me: (Wary of Magoo) "Umm...I don't think now's a good time.

Thankfully, my harrowing ordeal was finally at an end once Magoo ran out of pencils.

Running Wild

At New Belfast.

Okay, Wha?? At the children's section where I have just found out most the library computers in the area have Quake 3 installed on them. And that's all the kids play, along with the Magic School Bus. Truly, the same kids who frag noobs in Quake 3 like to learn with Ms. Frizzle.

I'm so confused.

The Breakfast iClub

So I bought an iPhone yesterday. (It's amazing and everything I hoped for. The greatest phone ever is an understatement) However, in order to purchase the device, I had to wait in line. Forever.

Since Big City is a big city, we have an Apple Store. After trying in vain to go to AT&T, thinking the lines would be shorter, I made my way to Big City's famed Apple store. I supposed there wouldn't be much of a line, since I arrived at noon, but I was sadly mistaken. It stretched several stores long and curved in interesting directions. Still, we all thought as soon as we entered into the store, our purchase would be immediate. But we were all wrong.

But I think I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to detail my companions. Our Apple-centric Breakfast Club. You had:

-The law student, cramming for finals whilst in line, left line once to get a smoothie for her hypoglycemia
-The vet student, hoping to get his iPhone added to a family plan not in his name, never left line.
-The painter, Not really a painter, she was painting her house when she decided to get in line for the new iPhone. Already owned an older model and was showing us how awesome it was. Left line for bathroom and getting beverage. Had nifty tattoos. Was directly in front of me. Quite cute once she took off her sunglasses
-The devoted dad, periodically had his two kids both under the age of 3 with him while his wife shopped in the nearby mall. Left line the most to buy us beverages and its ilk, plus to take his kids to the bathroom. Ended up buying the painter's old iPhone for his wife.
-The Tony

Special Guest near the end
-Tony's Dad, who changed his account information and is a lover of all things Apple. Skipped most of the line to get by me. Maybe stood with us 20 minutes.

We started out young and naive, but once hour number 1 passed, we were all dedicated to getting an iPhone. For the course of 4 hours, in the blazing Big City sun, we laughed, cursed, and became a family. A family of people standing in a slow moving line. I totally felt like I was in a John Hughes movie.

From Cute to Annoying in 4.3 Seconds

At Buffalo Branch, where a little girl of about 5 or 6 comes up to the circulation desk.

Me: "Hi, can I help you?"

One-Track Mind Girl: "Liberry Card!"

Me: (Assuming she wants a library card) "Okay, have you had one before?"

OTMG: "Liberry Card!"

Me: (Trying to figure out what she wants) "Are you wanting to check out books?"

OTMG: (She's not special needs or anything, she just wants to be difficult. Ergo, she loses any cuteness and becomes just another punk kid) "Liberry Card!"

Me: "You'll have to be more specific than just 'library card.'"

OTMG: "Liberry Card!"

I'll spare you the rest of this, but it ended up with her just yelling "Liberry Card!" at me for five minutes until her mother finally showed mercy and pulled her away from the desk.

Petey's Revenge

At the Buffalo Branch, where it's been a harrowing morning.

Quick funny note: a woman asked to help print out her resume. Among her credits, she listed her high typing speed and word accuracy. Except she misspelled accuracy. And she didn't believe me or Microsoft Word spell-check telling her she was mistaken.

But all was negated by the frightening reappearance of Petey Pedaphile, who somehow got a computer in the children's section. I tried to inform the regular Buffalo staff of his practices, but apparently they've never had to deal with him before. For one chilling hour, I watched him seek out his creepy pictures of fully dressed young girls in non-provocative poses.

However, another internet patron was also engaged in scary behavior on the other side of the library. Some person who I could not tell was a man or a woman, but equally unattractive either way, was printing out a ton of documents from a cruise hook-up site. That's right, they were trying to get their groove on at the library.

So I had creeps on both sides of the desk today. Like social misfits in stereo. Until Petey came up to the desk.

Petey: (Pointing to the gender-confused individual) "Man, that guy over there is giving me the willies. Doesn't he realize people can see what he's doing online?"

I was stunned. Dumb-founded. I wish I had a snappy comeback, but Petey floored me.