Timberland and Magoo

This past Friday, I got the pleasure of serving at the Timberland branch. I've never really mentioned them before, mainly because I never go there. Timberland is an affluent area of Big City, and happens to be one of the system's busier branches. And boy did I learn that.

I worked Circ, and the books never stopped coming. Ever...

For hours at a stretch I was dumb-struck by the massive amounts of books coming through the drop box. I asked a page if it was always this busy. To which she replied:

Overworked Page: "Hmph! Just be glad it's the weekend and one of our slow days"

However, my time at the Timberland branch was not just spent underneath piles of books. I also had a very interesting patron come in.

It's about 15 minutes to closing and I'm working the Check-Out station. Things are slowing down, most of the patrons have already left (It is Friday night) and I just got the go ahead from the branch head to shut down the check out desk. Until this ole sourpuss comes up.

I'm not going to say she's one of our "special" patrons, I truly think she was just a mean looking woman with a nasty dispostion. She comes up to the desk, doesn't say a word to me, and slams down a humongous stack of pencils. I didn't even bother trying to talk to her for the sake of my soul.

Without acknowledging me, she reaches for the electric pencil sharpener and begins to sharpen pencils. She's got about 50.

So here's the situation: I'm held hostage by Magoo. (I think the title of my post gives it away, but I'm curious if anyone gets the reference) And the branch head is wondering about my lack of compliance to their direction.

Timberland Branch Head: "Tony! I thought I told you to shut it down. It's almost time to go"

Me: (Wary of Magoo) "Umm...I don't think now's a good time.

Thankfully, my harrowing ordeal was finally at an end once Magoo ran out of pencils.

Running Wild

At New Belfast.

Okay, Wha?? At the children's section where I have just found out most the library computers in the area have Quake 3 installed on them. And that's all the kids play, along with the Magic School Bus. Truly, the same kids who frag noobs in Quake 3 like to learn with Ms. Frizzle.

I'm so confused.

The Breakfast iClub

So I bought an iPhone yesterday. (It's amazing and everything I hoped for. The greatest phone ever is an understatement) However, in order to purchase the device, I had to wait in line. Forever.

Since Big City is a big city, we have an Apple Store. After trying in vain to go to AT&T, thinking the lines would be shorter, I made my way to Big City's famed Apple store. I supposed there wouldn't be much of a line, since I arrived at noon, but I was sadly mistaken. It stretched several stores long and curved in interesting directions. Still, we all thought as soon as we entered into the store, our purchase would be immediate. But we were all wrong.

But I think I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to detail my companions. Our Apple-centric Breakfast Club. You had:

-The law student, cramming for finals whilst in line, left line once to get a smoothie for her hypoglycemia
-The vet student, hoping to get his iPhone added to a family plan not in his name, never left line.
-The painter, Not really a painter, she was painting her house when she decided to get in line for the new iPhone. Already owned an older model and was showing us how awesome it was. Left line for bathroom and getting beverage. Had nifty tattoos. Was directly in front of me. Quite cute once she took off her sunglasses
-The devoted dad, periodically had his two kids both under the age of 3 with him while his wife shopped in the nearby mall. Left line the most to buy us beverages and its ilk, plus to take his kids to the bathroom. Ended up buying the painter's old iPhone for his wife.
-The Tony

Special Guest near the end
-Tony's Dad, who changed his account information and is a lover of all things Apple. Skipped most of the line to get by me. Maybe stood with us 20 minutes.

We started out young and naive, but once hour number 1 passed, we were all dedicated to getting an iPhone. For the course of 4 hours, in the blazing Big City sun, we laughed, cursed, and became a family. A family of people standing in a slow moving line. I totally felt like I was in a John Hughes movie.

From Cute to Annoying in 4.3 Seconds

At Buffalo Branch, where a little girl of about 5 or 6 comes up to the circulation desk.

Me: "Hi, can I help you?"

One-Track Mind Girl: "Liberry Card!"

Me: (Assuming she wants a library card) "Okay, have you had one before?"

OTMG: "Liberry Card!"

Me: (Trying to figure out what she wants) "Are you wanting to check out books?"

OTMG: (She's not special needs or anything, she just wants to be difficult. Ergo, she loses any cuteness and becomes just another punk kid) "Liberry Card!"

Me: "You'll have to be more specific than just 'library card.'"

OTMG: "Liberry Card!"

I'll spare you the rest of this, but it ended up with her just yelling "Liberry Card!" at me for five minutes until her mother finally showed mercy and pulled her away from the desk.

Petey's Revenge

At the Buffalo Branch, where it's been a harrowing morning.

Quick funny note: a woman asked to help print out her resume. Among her credits, she listed her high typing speed and word accuracy. Except she misspelled accuracy. And she didn't believe me or Microsoft Word spell-check telling her she was mistaken.

But all was negated by the frightening reappearance of Petey Pedaphile, who somehow got a computer in the children's section. I tried to inform the regular Buffalo staff of his practices, but apparently they've never had to deal with him before. For one chilling hour, I watched him seek out his creepy pictures of fully dressed young girls in non-provocative poses.

However, another internet patron was also engaged in scary behavior on the other side of the library. Some person who I could not tell was a man or a woman, but equally unattractive either way, was printing out a ton of documents from a cruise hook-up site. That's right, they were trying to get their groove on at the library.

So I had creeps on both sides of the desk today. Like social misfits in stereo. Until Petey came up to the desk.

Petey: (Pointing to the gender-confused individual) "Man, that guy over there is giving me the willies. Doesn't he realize people can see what he's doing online?"

I was stunned. Dumb-founded. I wish I had a snappy comeback, but Petey floored me.

Giggity Giggity Goo!

At New Belfast, where my love of working for the library just got reaffirmed hardcore.

I'm not kidding, this guy came in not even 5 minutes ago. I'm working the circ desk and this very special individual approaches. He is wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt and has a very pronounced chin.

Erieely Framiliar Guy: (Loud and distinct voice) "Hey there! Can I get some headphones?!"

Me: (Looking at the computer screen, not really noticing his face) "Yeah, all I need to see is your library card"

EFG: "Alright!" (He bobs his head a bit)

I look up, and it's the human embodiment of Quagmire. I'm not joking. His real first name is Ben, but that rhymes with Glen, and that stands for Glen Quagmire.

Me: (Almost certain I'm on hidden camera for a new Fox reality show "Family Guy Characters Harrass You At Work"): "Here are your headphones, sir"

EFG: "Thanks mack! If you need me...(Points to the computers)...I'll be surfing the net! Woo-hoo!"

Now all I need is a talking dog to ask me for a martini and I'm set.

My Personal Way to Beat High Gas Prices

So this past memorial day I had the pleasure of sitting through governmental librarian in-service. Over 300 librarians, all crammed into a room together, suffering through some of the most interesting powerpoint, the breaucracy has to offer. And I know what you're thinking: "Wow, with so many librarians, who's going to feed the cats?" I kid! I kid!

Anyway, as part of the fleeting efforts to keep us vaugely interested, door prizes were given out. In particular, your very own Tony Kris won by far the best door prize.

It was a Razor Scooter. A very fancy one at that. Seeing how gas prices have topped $4 in Big City, I believed I had just found a fool proof way to get around. Sure it would take me hours to get from my house in Bruce Hill to any of the libraries, and cost me more money in Gatorade than I would ever spent on gas. Plus, I would be a stinky, sweaty mess once I reached my destination. But no matter, Tony Kris just got himself a Scooter.

During the lunch break, after finishing my plate of state-supplied gyros, I decided to give my new set of wheels a spin. It took me a little while, but soon enough I was speeding around the parking lot. However, in my excitement of learning how to ride and steer, I forgot the value of stopping. After reaching a swift pace, I promptly lost control of the scooter, and made a theatrical crash at the foot of my car.

I don't believe any saw me, and it's for the best, since my accident resulted in my pants being severely ripped. In the crotch area. And impossible to cover up. Needless to say, I quickly made my way home to make a quick change before any one was the wiser. (Of course, now I've written this online, everyone will know. Oh well, price you pay for blog posts)