Larry the Mouth-Breather

Like I mentioned before, from now on I will occasional recant tales of UBC and the wacky students there. Already I have found a worthy successor to even the most bizzare library patron. That man is Larry. Larry the mouth-breather.

Larry is presumably a senior at UBC who is more than likely majoring in History, judging by his enrollment in a upper level class. He also has the functional IQ of roasted celery. In addition, he lacks the ability to maintain an internal monologue. Basically, at even given point during a lecture, Larry will raise his hand or just blurt out the most random and inane thing he can think of. I think the best way to show Larry is through actual things he's said in class:

"HIS FIRST NAME WAS WOODROW!" (Deadly serious after I made a joke after class that Eugene Debs won the election of 1912)

"What did they consider Asian?" (An actual question about the US' immigration limits on Asians. The prof's ((who is Asian himself)) more than a little snarky response?: "Generally people from Asia were considered Asian")

"Wait, so the Lusitania didn't hit an iceberg? The movie lied?!" (Said in class. I wish I could say I was making this up, but sadly, I'm not)

He'd fit right in with Major League Baseball and Petey.

Massive Loss of Cool Points

So I start classes at UBC Tuesday, which means that I spent most of today running around UBC's spacious campus, trying to get all my fees and forms squared away before the big day tomorrow. UBC, being an incredibly large school, covers and dominates most of downtown Big City. Plus, with the Rhinos winning the Kiwi bowl, the entire campus and town has gone crazy, sporting Rhino horns everywhere (This is probably the biggest hint I'll ever give to as the to location of Big City). So admist a sea of Rhino fanhood, I have to register for classes and pay some money.

(I also take my Campus ID picture. Big stupid smile and two thumbs up. That's the only way to take a picture)

Anyway, I spent several hours in various lines until I was finally set and ready for one last chore, buy books for class. Against my better judgment, I decide to go to the campus bookstore, deciding that the extra money I'll have to pay is worth it since they'll probably have all the books I need due to it being the offical campus bookstore. However, unknown to me was the fact that History Graduate Seminars require a whole freaking ton of books. Mostly paperbacks, but still.

So I've got about 35-40 books in my arms when the following exchange goes down.

Girl: "Tony? Tony Kris? Is that you?"

Me: (Recongizing her as someone I know through a mutual friend) "Yup, that's me. How's it going?"

Girl: "I didn't know you were going to UBC!"

Me: (Deciding to put my books down in order to converse with her more politely) "Just got in. I start Tuesday." (I don't know her all that well, but well enough to warrant further conversation)

Girl: "So I didn't know you and "McGruff the Crime Dog" (Mutual friend's name) were friends. How did you meet?"

Me: (Putting my hand down on the shelf ladened with my books, as I begin to tell the tale of my meeting McGruff) "Well..."

All the sudden, the shelf collapses, making a horrendous racket and causing me to shout:

Me: "OHMIGAWD! What the heck was that!?!?!"

I am now surronded by a plethera of history books. By this time, a swarm of bookstore workers have rushed onto the scene. I'm just hoping I don't have to pay for any damages.

Girl: (Semi-oblivous to what's going on) "So...how did ya'll meet?"

I so I tell her the story, all the while having bookstore empolyees clean up my mess. I try my best to not seem like a total dork getting my books picked up for me, but I think that might not be possible. A massive failure on my part to keep my cool points intact. I believe I'll be starting the school year at -3000.

A New Evoultion in the Blog

I've just gotten accepted into Grad School for history at UBC. As one might expect, I'm insanely excited to get back to school work and boring history papers. However, this does not mean I will be leaving the blogosphere. Nah, it would break my heart too much to leave my "fun patrons." With a bit of luck, I'll be able to go to grad school and work for the Big City Library System at the same time. So instead of just stories of random library people, you'll be getting some tales of the random students at UBC (GO RHINOS!)

A New Land Speed Record

At the Buffalo Branch, where my speed in checking out an elderly patron causes him to exclaim:

Countrified Patron- "Good Lord boy! You're quicker than a jack-rabbit on a date!"

I didn't know Lagomorphs were so promiscuious.

Quite Possibly the Strangest Questions Ever

Okay, I swore that I wouldn't reveal too much about my personal life, but I think this tidbit barely qualifies: I don't look like your stereotypical bibliophile. I'm not exactly the type you'd expect to working at a library. I was in fraternity for all 4 years of college, and kinda look like what you'd expect in an ex-frat boy. And I'm not going to lie, I used to tease and bully the "nerd" kids in middle school, not letting them know that I too was going home at night and rereading "The Ear, The Eye, and The Arm" for the 50 bajillionth time. Don't worry, I've long since outgrown that phase.

Anyway, I'm working at the Check-in desk at Antietam when I get a phone call. It's somebody wanting to renew their books. Taking care not to use my newly discovered 'smooth-n-sexy' voice to lead the caller into temptation, I renew their stuff. Then I get a bizzare question.

Caller: "What's your main number?"

Me: "You want the phone number to the Main library? (Big City's library system has one Main library, and a bunch of branches. I think that should go without saying, but just to clarify)

Caller: "No no. The Antietam branch. What's your main number?"

Me: "Well what are you looking for? Children's? Reference?"

Caller: "Where you check books in and out and can renew them. What's that number?"

Me: "You mean the one you're calling right now?"

Caller: "Yeah. What's this phone number?"

Me: (My head is straining with the logic contained in her call. She wasn't transferred, she dialed the number, and is asking for the very number she dialed. My head is starting to hurt with just trying to comprehend her thought process. However, against my better judgment, I decide to go ahead and just give her the number) "Okay it's ###-####."

Caller: "###-####? And that would bring me to the place where I can renew books?"

Me: "Yes" (She hangs up)

But has strange as that question was, I got an even harder question later when I was working at the reference desk. A girl comes up to the desk, looks to be about early high school aged. I ask if I could help her find something and she lays this loaded question on me:

Girl Who Doth Expect Too Much: "Yeah, do you have any good books here?"

Me: "Sure we do! What exactly are you looking for?"

GWDETM: (Taken aback by my enthusiasm. What can I say, it had been a slow day, and any question was welcome. Plus, I don't look like the type who'd be excited by books.) "Just something to read"

Me: "Well, that's a tall order. Are you looking for something fiction or non-fiction?"

GWDETM: (Blank Stare)

Me: (Deciding to go through the stuff that most kids her age seem to be into) "Are you interested in Sci-fi? (Blank Stare) Fantasy? (Blank Stare) Graphic Novels? (Blank Stare) Manga? (Blank Stare) I'm a big history fan, I can recommend some very good history books. (Blank Stare) Do you want something that's popular? We've got the new best-sellers over here. (Blank Stare) Cook book? (Blank Stare. I'm still trying to help her, so I finally ask) Well, what sort of things are you interested in? What do you like to read about and I can go from there.

GWDETM: "Just a really good book"

Me: "Is this for an assignment? (She shakes her head) Might you be interested in some of the classics? (Blank Stare) Ever read "Catch-22"? It's one of my favorites. (Blank Stare)

GWDETM: (Realizing her question is not going to be answered without her volunteering any more information.) I guess I'll go look over at the new arrivals. Thank you for your help.

Me: "Feel free to ask anything else."

I suppose people don't expect the frat boy to be a book dork.

Casanova Librarian-stien

Working at the Antietam Branch, on the day after Christmas, when I get a phone call. It's an older lady, by the sound of her voice, and she wants to renew her library books. I do the regular procedure, asking her library card number, what books she wants renewed, when they're due now, etc. Anyway, I'm finishing up and she asks the following question:

Senior Citizen on Phone with Plenty of Life in Her: "Excuse me, but what's your name?"

Me: (Thinking she's going to thank me for my timely manner in which I renewed her stuff) "Me? Tony."

SCoPwPoLiH: "Tony, eh? You must be new"

Me: (Not wanting to go into the whole smeal about how I go from library to library) "Well, I'm here some of the time."

SCoPwPoLiH: "Well, you have a lovely voice. It sounds sexy. I wish that Santa Claus left you under my tree last night. Mmhmm."

Me: "Umm..."(Not sure what to say next)

SCoPwPoLiH: "Here's hoping you're the library next time I come there." (She hangs up)

So apparently the sound of my voice drives the ladies wild, but they're half a century older than me. It was pretty disturbing really. I feel slightly used.

Wherein I Discover a New Stench

At the New Belfast branch, where one of the few patrons I remember from that area has a brand new and offensive odor. Granted, it's not quite on the level of Pus-Man, but it's pretty dang close.

So this kid, notorious for being a pesky patron, comes up to me at the reference desk and asks to get a computer reservation. I wouldn't call this child a "problem patron," he's just rather annoying. Harmless stuff for the most part, though he tries on a regular basis to apply for a new library card even though he already has one laden with fees. I've crossed paths with him at the New Belfast branch before, mainly for wanting a computer reservation and extension on his computer time for several hours.

Anyway, it's about 12:30 in the afternoon when he approaches my desk. (My first thought was that he should be in school, but I remembered that it's early dismissal for the rest of the week due to final exams) And he asks for an extension on his computer time. I inquire as to what computer he is on, and he informs me that he hasn't gotten on one yet, he just wants to get a couple of hours blocked off. And then the smell hits me.

It's a terrible scent. He had already consumed several low-quality lollypops and other sticky candies. In addition, he was at the point in his puberty existence where he desperately needed deodorant, but no one had the gall to tell him so. So he smells like pre-teen fonk, and artificial sweetener. I mean, it's terrible. It almost smells like those "all-natural" sweeteners that come in a vial and are used in conjunction with an eye-dropper that you can find at Whole Foods. Just a really fake sugary scent. And the kid keeps eating candy. Even after I tell him that food and drink are not allowed in the library, he rolls his eyes and pulls out another Dum-Dum. He even poaches a near-by trash can and places it under his desk, presumable to be the graveyard for his fake sugar addiction. Plus, he feels the need to keep coming to the desk every 5 minutes to ask for more time on the computer, even though he had 45 minutes left on his time. I honestly had to stop myself from throwing up every time he left, disappointed since I didn't give him a 4 hour extension.

Then he comes up to me and asks me to smell something. Sight unseen. I refuse, obviously. He shrugs and then pulls out a giant stick of BRUT deodorant, which he clearly hadn't been using. After this revealing, he leaves the library. I still haven't tried to touch his chair, which I'm sure is still sticky with low-quality candy residue