The Kris Is....

BACK!!!

Boom! After a year off, Tony Kris is returning to explore the horrors of library life and working!

A word about my absence. Yes, I am now the owner of an MA in History (pending graduation in 2 weeks) and even better, I'll be going for my Ph. D! Yup, my wacky Thesis was approved. Not only that, I'll be working for the Big City library for another 6 months at the very least. So they'll be tons of stories. Here's some recent ones:

At New Belfast, a girl of about 7 comes up to the desk to ask for a computer. Whilst waiting, she digs in her butt, and then SMELLS HER FINGER!!!

At Buffalo, a patron asks me if we have "Girls Gone Wild" videos to check out. And then my good friend Petey Pedaphile shows up for the first time in over a year.

So get ready. It's gonna be fun.

From Cute to Annoying in 4.3 Seconds

At Buffalo Branch, where a little girl of about 5 or 6 comes up to the circulation desk.

Me: "Hi, can I help you?"

One-Track Mind Girl: "Liberry Card!"

Me: (Assuming she wants a library card) "Okay, have you had one before?"

OTMG: "Liberry Card!"

Me: (Trying to figure out what she wants) "Are you wanting to check out books?"

OTMG: (She's not special needs or anything, she just wants to be difficult. Ergo, she loses any cuteness and becomes just another punk kid) "Liberry Card!"

Me: "You'll have to be more specific than just 'library card.'"

OTMG: "Liberry Card!"

I'll spare you the rest of this, but it ended up with her just yelling "Liberry Card!" at me for five minutes until her mother finally showed mercy and pulled her away from the desk.

Petey's Revenge

At the Buffalo Branch, where it's been a harrowing morning.

Quick funny note: a woman asked to help print out her resume. Among her credits, she listed her high typing speed and word accuracy. Except she misspelled accuracy. And she didn't believe me or Microsoft Word spell-check telling her she was mistaken.

But all was negated by the frightening reappearance of Petey Pedaphile, who somehow got a computer in the children's section. I tried to inform the regular Buffalo staff of his practices, but apparently they've never had to deal with him before. For one chilling hour, I watched him seek out his creepy pictures of fully dressed young girls in non-provocative poses.

However, another internet patron was also engaged in scary behavior on the other side of the library. Some person who I could not tell was a man or a woman, but equally unattractive either way, was printing out a ton of documents from a cruise hook-up site. That's right, they were trying to get their groove on at the library.

So I had creeps on both sides of the desk today. Like social misfits in stereo. Until Petey came up to the desk.

Petey: (Pointing to the gender-confused individual) "Man, that guy over there is giving me the willies. Doesn't he realize people can see what he's doing online?"

I was stunned. Dumb-founded. I wish I had a snappy comeback, but Petey floored me.

A New Land Speed Record

At the Buffalo Branch, where my speed in checking out an elderly patron causes him to exclaim:

Countrified Patron- "Good Lord boy! You're quicker than a jack-rabbit on a date!"

I didn't know Lagomorphs were so promiscuious.

Actual Questions to the Reference Desk #2

(At the Buffalo branch, which is a suburb of sorts of Big City. Not as far out as Taylor, but still pretty country)

Me: (Answering Phone) "Buffalo Library, reference desk, can I help you?"

Thick-Country Accented Patron: "Yeah. I was wonderin' if ya'll had the number to Davis' Gun and (Word that kinda sounds like "Peom")"

Me: "Excuse, could you repeat that name?"

TACP: "Davis' Gun "Emmpallm"

Me: (Not know if he said, "And Pawn" "Emporium" or "And Porn," which sounds like the greatest store ever. Sex and violence under one roof) "Could you repeat that last word?"

TACP: "Palmem"

Me: "What's that again?"

TACP: (Louder) "Polwm!"

Me: (Not wanting to say "I can't understand you cause of your thick @$$ accent") "Do you know if it's located in Big City or Buffalo?"

TACP: "I'm pretty sure it's in Buffalo"

Me: (Pulling out a Buffalo phone book) "Oh yeah, Davis Gun and Pawn. The number is ###-####"

TACP: "What time do they close?"

Me: "I don't know, but I'm sure if you call them, they'll be happy to answer."

TACP: "You ain't got their hours?"

Me: "No. It's just a telephone listing"

TACP: "Whelp. Thanks anyway." (Click)

The main thing I learned from this experience is that someone needs to open up a combination Firearms and Pornography emporium. Preferably in the back of a casino or liquor store.