Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Embarrasing Misspeakings

At the Redwell Waters Branch, where a high schooler and her mother come up to the youth desk and asks the following question:

High School Seeker: "Do you have anything about Isaac Hayes?"

Me: (Looking it up on the computer) "It looks like all we got is 'Shaft.'" (HSS's mom buldge slightly) "I mean the movie "Shaft!" The movie!"

It Seriously Was the Most Fun Bachelor's Party Ever

Here comes the latest gem from Larry the Mouth-Breather, UBC's authority on inane babble!

In class, talking to a fellow student about a bachelor's party I attended over Spring Break for a fraternity brother.

Me: "Yeah, it was a fun party. Granted, it was the morning of the wedding, so there wasn't too much godless partying and booze hounding."

Other Sudent: (Who happens to work as a bartender at Hooter's, and thus probably more framiliar with bachelor's parties) " does one do a morning bachelor's party?"

Me: "Mainly fraternity traditions. We also had a very nice breakfast. Huge. The majority of the time was spent roasting the groom."

Larry: (Coming out of nowhere. Bum-rushing the desk) "What did you roast? Was it pigs in a blanket?!"

Me: "No...we roasted the groom, told questionable stories about him. That sort of thing."

Larry: (Not getting it) "Roast ham? Bacon?"

Other Student: (Annoyed by Harry) "So yeah, you roasted him, then what?"

Me: "A couple other fraternal things. Then we played a lot of "Smash Brothers"." ("Smash Brothers", the funnest game ever, had come out like a week before for the Wii. During college, many a long evening was spent Smashing amongst the crew. That and "Halo", but mainly "Smash Brothers")

Other Student: "Oh! I like that game!" (Never fails, chicks might hate "Halo", "Madden", and especially "World of Warcraft", but they love "Smash Brothers". And "Mario Kart") "How long did you play?"

Larry: "So what did you have? Eggs?"

Me: "Pancakes. And we played until like 2 hours before the wedding. (No lie. Luckily the groom was already in his tux)

By this time, the professor had come in, but Larry had to still talk

Larry: "Were they Pecan Pancakes?"

But yeah, Smash Brothers for the Wii. Better than alcohol, strippers, and gambling combined!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Pages in Confusion

I had a hysterical run in with a page.

Basically, I was talking to one of the other librarians (who happens to be half native Nigerian) about a dear friend of mine who's doing like a year as a missionary in Africa. A page, who's like 16 and white, was listening in.

Other Librarian: "That's cool, where abouts in Africa is she?"

Me: "Mainly Swaziland"

Page: "OMG! Why did you say that?"

Me: (Confused) "What? Swaziland?"

Page: "That's racist! I can't believe you'd say something like that!"

Me: "What's racist about Swaziland?"

Page: "Can't you just say the country's name?"

Me: "Swaziland?"

Page: (Getting more angered and bewildered by my apparent racism) "That's not a country!"

Me: (Still not understanding his rage) "Well, okay, I know it's surrounded by South Africa, but it's still a country. It is small though"

Page: "Wait, it's really a country?"

Me: "'s called Swaziland."

Page: "I thought you were being racist. You know, making up a country based on Swahili."

Me: (Still confused and in a halting tone as to not offend) "No...I didn''s a real country...I'm
sure we've got books on it...I mean she does spend some time in Mozambique...they speak Swahili some there...but not in Swaziland...The Swazi people don't speak Swahili..."

Page: "Oh...I thought you made up Swaziland just cause you were talking to an actual African dude and wanted to be crude and racist"

Luckily there were laughs all around as soon as the mistake was realized.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

A Legit Compliant

Okay, is there something about being a male librarian that makes single moms want to flirt shamelessly? I suppose they assume that I have a job, education, and am available (I've got like 1 and half of those things). But seriously, this whole epidemic has got to stop.

For instance, today I signed up a woman and her two young daughters for library cards. It's not a hard process, but it takes a while to enter in all the information into the system. Anyway, I did my usual chatting with the kids, asking them what kind of books they were looking for, giving them stickers, etc. Basically trying to appease them as they waited for the Libraryman to finally give them their cards. It took me about 5 minutes to finish up the kids, who promptly ran into the children's room to find every "Clifford the Big Red Dog" book. Afterwards, I finished up the mom's card and she went after her children. About 3 minutes later she comes up to the desk.

Overly-friendly Single Mom: "Excuse me, where are the biographies for children?"

Me: (Slightly concerned): "Isn't there a children's librarian in there?" (It would be bad to have the children's room unsupervised. Hardcore liability)

O-fSM: "Oh there is. I just wanted to ask you (*wink*)"

Me: (Resisting urge to laugh, grimace, or shudder. To say I felt uncomfortable would be an understatement) "Oh...I think that the children's biographies would be in the back, past the 900s. There should be a sign."

Okay, I must reiterate that I might have said 2 words directed at her before she came back to the desk. I mainly talked to the kids that looked antsy and had a realistic shot of yelling. I did absolutely nothing provokative, this was all her. Luckily, I think she caught the hint of my bewildered disinterest and didn't do anything further.

But seriously, that was extremely awkward.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

It's Like Having 5 Different Phone Conversations at Once

At Redwell Waters, working reference, when I get this phone call.

Me: "Redwell Waters, reference desk, may I help you?"

Politically Motivated Man: "Uh...Yessir...what does the word 'accrued' mean?"

Me: "As in 'accrued' interest?"

PMM: "Yes...does that only apply at the state level or the national level?"

Me: (Baffled) "Wha?"

PMM: "Does interest that's 'accrued' go on the state or federal level?"

Me: (Trying to understand what he's saying) "Okay, are you asking for the definition of a word or for some tax help?"

PMM: "Both, ideally"

Me: (Looking up 'accrued' in dictionary for exact definition) "Accrued- verb. To accumulate over time. It's interest that you've gotten over time."

PMM: "Now can the governor get that?"

Me: (Really confused now) "Okay, what?"

PMM: "Someone told me that the governor can get your accrued interest. I don't want him getting that money so he can spend it on Scarlet Women" (I swear, he said "Scarlet Women")

Me: (Slowly beginning to realize the extent of craziness) "Oh, that wasn't the governor of our state, that was the governor of New York. He was the one who got in trouble."

PMM: (On the defensive) "But on the news they said he was part of a sting operation and they got other people in it."

Me: (Trying my best to reassure him, it's a losing battle though) "That was just in New York state, our governor wasn't involved." (Remember, Big City is in the South. Nowhere near New York)

PMM: "But what about that bill he passed? Can everyone get the money or just people with lawyers..."

Okay, I'm going to stop the transcript right here. Basically, for about 6 more minutes, he detailed his extensive conspriacy theory to me. From what I can piece together, he believed that somehow the government (but he wasn't sure if it was the state or local government) had placed taxes on the usage of the word "accrued." Furthermore, all the governors in the country were involved in a prositiution sting and were all going to resign. There was also some talk of Barack Obama, but I'm not sure how he got into the conversation. Mainly, he asked a lot of legal/tax questions and wanted my advice. Also, because I work for the government, I have the knowledge of a lawyer since and I quote "They teach you all that stuff during training. And don't lie to me and tell me that they don't cause I know that the NSA paid for the sandwiches"

Once again, I don't know where to start. I really wish that my 2 days of inservice equaled a law degree. It would have saved me all the money and hassle of taking the LSAT and applying to all those pesky law schools. (Long time Tony Kris fans would know that I seriously considered going to law school for a while, even going as far as paying a non-refundable deposit for my first year. However, I'm glad I saned up) However, if Mr. Segway on the phone here thinks I've got my J.D., then by gum, I'm going to give him free legal advice.

Maybe I should start signing my name "Tony Kris esq." again.