Is 20 Years The "Shellfish" Anniversary?

Must...resist...urge...to...bust...out...laughing

At the Taylor branch. As previously mentioned, Taylor is quite rural and nature, and fairly stereotypically "redneck." Normally, I don't let such preconceived notions affect my perception of the patronage of Taylor, but today I found out that such persons are alive and well.

A big ole country boy came by the desk and proudly had this discourse with me

Big Country Husband: "HEY! How you doing today, son?"

Me: "I'm doing pretty well, yourself?"

BCH: "Aww, can't complain, can't complain. Today's my wedding anniversary!"

Me: "Well, congratulations!"

BCH: "Yeeeaaaap. Been married to the same girl for 20 years."

Me: "That's an accomplishment in this day and age."

BCH: "HOOO Buddy! You know it!"

Me: "So are you doing anything to mark the occasion?"

BCH: "Welp, I'm taking the little lady over to Lavatown tonight (Lavatown is a podunkier town than Taylor about an hour away) to the Red Lobster. It's Lobsterfest, don't cha know."

Me: (Straining not to laugh. Big City is well known for great dining, I'm surprised that someone would make the trek to Lavatown just to go to Red Lobster. I mean, I'm sure the cheddar biscuits are great, but Big City has much better seafood) "I was not aware that it was already Lobsterfest."


BCH: "Oh yeah it is. Can you believe the closest place to get lobster is all the way in Lavatown? You'd think something as big as Big City would have some lobster." (He then departs before I can formulate a response to the accusation that Big City is lobsterless and furthermore, that Red Lobster is the bastion of great lobster dining.)

Even stranger, the dude didn't drop off any books or use the library resources in any matter. I honestly think he came in to inform the world of his anniversary and his plans to take his woman out to Red Lobster. He was in the library for maybe 30 seconds.

Tax Time!

It is just me or has a crazy rumor sprung around the populace that the library would do your taxes for free?

I've gotten calls and walk-ups handing me some W2s, claiming that they heard the library does taxes. Even more surprising, it's almost a defiant disappointment when they find out that not only do we not do taxes for free, we've never done it, ever. I've had people argue with me that not only the library said it'd do taxes, but they've gotten their taxes done by the librarians before. Seriously, if I was able to prep taxes, why do I relgiously have mine done by my CPA? Plus, if the library really did do taxes, why do places like H&R Block exist?

I would write a particular instance, but it's happened so much, no one time sticks out.

Is anyone else out there in library land that has had to deal with this epidemic?

The Return of Sticky Stinky

At New Belfast, where I got an unexpected and horrifiying surprise.

Like I mentioned before, I'm now going to school full-time. Thankfully, the Big City Library system has been awesome in working around my class hours. However, in exchange for such flexiblity, I have to work some strange hours and shifts. Case in point, I'm here at New Belfast working 4 to 8. Anyway, just as I walk in, the busy sheep hits the fan. The place is super busy, with several families getting library cards for their children.

I don't mind giving young children library cards, heck it's one of the real pleasures of the job, but the task can take a little while. And it's not very fun when you have a back log of 6 applications to fill out for a gaggle of kids who understandably are getting antsy staying by the circulation desk when Clifford and Junie B. Jones are beckoning them in the children's room.

After using my "jack-rabbit on a date" skills, I finally get my head above water and go help a father who has patently been waiting to get some assistance. It turns out his kid wants to get on the computer. As I start getting the child squared away on the computer, I hear a voice calling for me.

I turn around, and there he is. Stinky Sticky.

He pulls a lollypop out of his mouth and that old aroma fills my nostrils. I don't really understand a word he's saying, due to the fact that I'm keeping myself from retching, but I'd be willing to bet good money that he wants an extension on his computer reservation.

The best way I could compare this sense of impending doom with Sticky Stinky's appearance is like the return of Omar on "The Wire." Every season, you know Omar's going to show up, and bad stuff is going to happen. However, instead of whistling "Famer and the Dell," Sticky Stinky's gonna have his ever-present lollypop and horrific stench.

Needless to say, I gave him extra time on his computer.

Larry the Mouth-Breather

Like I mentioned before, from now on I will occasional recant tales of UBC and the wacky students there. Already I have found a worthy successor to even the most bizzare library patron. That man is Larry. Larry the mouth-breather.

Larry is presumably a senior at UBC who is more than likely majoring in History, judging by his enrollment in a upper level class. He also has the functional IQ of roasted celery. In addition, he lacks the ability to maintain an internal monologue. Basically, at even given point during a lecture, Larry will raise his hand or just blurt out the most random and inane thing he can think of. I think the best way to show Larry is through actual things he's said in class:

"HIS FIRST NAME WAS WOODROW!" (Deadly serious after I made a joke after class that Eugene Debs won the election of 1912)

"What did they consider Asian?" (An actual question about the US' immigration limits on Asians. The prof's ((who is Asian himself)) more than a little snarky response?: "Generally people from Asia were considered Asian")

"Wait, so the Lusitania didn't hit an iceberg? The movie lied?!" (Said in class. I wish I could say I was making this up, but sadly, I'm not)

He'd fit right in with Major League Baseball and Petey.

Massive Loss of Cool Points

So I start classes at UBC Tuesday, which means that I spent most of today running around UBC's spacious campus, trying to get all my fees and forms squared away before the big day tomorrow. UBC, being an incredibly large school, covers and dominates most of downtown Big City. Plus, with the Rhinos winning the Kiwi bowl, the entire campus and town has gone crazy, sporting Rhino horns everywhere (This is probably the biggest hint I'll ever give to as the to location of Big City). So admist a sea of Rhino fanhood, I have to register for classes and pay some money.

(I also take my Campus ID picture. Big stupid smile and two thumbs up. That's the only way to take a picture)

Anyway, I spent several hours in various lines until I was finally set and ready for one last chore, buy books for class. Against my better judgment, I decide to go to the campus bookstore, deciding that the extra money I'll have to pay is worth it since they'll probably have all the books I need due to it being the offical campus bookstore. However, unknown to me was the fact that History Graduate Seminars require a whole freaking ton of books. Mostly paperbacks, but still.

So I've got about 35-40 books in my arms when the following exchange goes down.

Girl: "Tony? Tony Kris? Is that you?"

Me: (Recongizing her as someone I know through a mutual friend) "Yup, that's me. How's it going?"

Girl: "I didn't know you were going to UBC!"

Me: (Deciding to put my books down in order to converse with her more politely) "Just got in. I start Tuesday." (I don't know her all that well, but well enough to warrant further conversation)

Girl: "So I didn't know you and "McGruff the Crime Dog" (Mutual friend's name) were friends. How did you meet?"

Me: (Putting my hand down on the shelf ladened with my books, as I begin to tell the tale of my meeting McGruff) "Well..."

All the sudden, the shelf collapses, making a horrendous racket and causing me to shout:

Me: "OHMIGAWD! What the heck was that!?!?!"

I am now surronded by a plethera of history books. By this time, a swarm of bookstore workers have rushed onto the scene. I'm just hoping I don't have to pay for any damages.

Girl: (Semi-oblivous to what's going on) "So...how did ya'll meet?"

I so I tell her the story, all the while having bookstore empolyees clean up my mess. I try my best to not seem like a total dork getting my books picked up for me, but I think that might not be possible. A massive failure on my part to keep my cool points intact. I believe I'll be starting the school year at -3000.

A New Evoultion in the Blog

I've just gotten accepted into Grad School for history at UBC. As one might expect, I'm insanely excited to get back to school work and boring history papers. However, this does not mean I will be leaving the blogosphere. Nah, it would break my heart too much to leave my "fun patrons." With a bit of luck, I'll be able to go to grad school and work for the Big City Library System at the same time. So instead of just stories of random library people, you'll be getting some tales of the random students at UBC (GO RHINOS!)

A New Land Speed Record

At the Buffalo Branch, where my speed in checking out an elderly patron causes him to exclaim:

Countrified Patron- "Good Lord boy! You're quicker than a jack-rabbit on a date!"

I didn't know Lagomorphs were so promiscuious.